If only I could cry or riot

So my son comes in the house last night and says–“Ha Ha dad, mom got pulled over and she didn’t get a ticket”  He finds this funny because everytime his dad has ever been pulled over except one lousy time I have gotten a ticket. I think there needs to be riots and looting performed by men everywhere at this injustice. This injustice has been a constant since the invention of the automobile and the police car.  It is sexual profiling in the worst form–I am glad my wife did not get a ticket(more on that later), but I am sick of hearing the stories from women everywhere about how they only got a warning. My last ticket I had a legitimate excuse and he still didn’t care because, I couldn’t cry on cue and I have small breasts.

I speed and I accept most tickets I get, I fully understand the consequences for my actions. This is not the problem. I am not a murderer or rapist or other awful thing(politician), I am just someone who occassionally speeds, it’s ok to let me off with a warning every once in a while, just sayin

So the 2nd part of this problem is the police officer in this instance.  One of Elko’s finest.  This is the same guy who a month ago decides that the 15 cars parked along the side of the road outside the Elko baseball game need to be moved. It’s Tuesday night in Elko. There are like 5 cars that are going to be passing by and both lanes are wide open.  Most of the cars belonged to the players playing the game.  He refused to hear reason from all that spoke to him about his stupidity and warns that tickets will be issued in 10 minutes to all cars not moved.  I and the entire group of assembled fans thought this to be completely unbelievable and reluctantly all but 1 car were moved.  The poor umpire who could not leave the game was given a ticket–he was really a horrible law breaker wasn’t he.

So last night my wife is coming home from church with Justin(no lie, really church) and she stops–yes stops– at a useless stop sign in our neighborhood.  She saw the cop ahead of time so she stopped fully(not that she wouldn’t have if she didn’t see him).  He pulls her over and claims she did not stop the complete motion of the car.  Stop the complete motion–REALLY.  It’s a power and control thing–no ability to use common sense, stupidity, etc.  It’s 9pm, a car stops or almost stops with no other vehicles around in an empty neighborhood, and you find the need to pull over a mother and son on their way home from church,  THIS DUDE IS A PROBLEM–we gave this idiot a gun and a badge, when all he has ever gotten from others is wedgies, swirlies and kick me signs on his back.  We live in the middle of nowhere for a reason–leave us alone please– find people’s cats, catch speeders, catch people driving slow in the left lane, burglars, hell catch the people who keep ripping stuff off from cars–Just leave women coming home from church stopping at stop signs alone you idiot. I encourage the neighborhood to riot with me at 8pm at the little park,  if I’m late start without me:)

Why is noone rioting in front of the NFL offices, why are the same people upset last month in Missouri not just as upset this week. A woman and a child were both beaten in seperate instances by two very powerful men. Why aren’t those same people as upset?  Why aren’t they pouring into the streets in defense of women and children? Never mind I guess, carry on world

Sorry I lost my focus there for a second.  Hockey tryouts are coming soon.  Can hardly wait to talk my wife off the ledge for 10 days as she is hitting refresh on the browser every 10 seconds. OK I do it too.  It’s a stressful time that shapes the next 5 months of our lives. It’s not about the kids, it’s about which parents we get to hang out with:)  Now we get to stress about Allie too, as she is now trying out for a traveling level–Woohoo more tryout stress times 2.  I wish I was one of those people who ran things. Like stephon Marbury once said “some guys run their house and some guys run around their house”  He ran his house, I run around my house.  I wish I ran the tryouts–that would be way less stressful that’s all I’m trying to say.

School has started, I haven’t had any shifts yet. Hopefully that picks up soon, I’m nervous about it though. I’ve never taught in a classroom–hope I can get it right.  I got to go to Vegas with my mommy again, it was a blast–I didn’t win anything other than more great memories with my mom. I still love that place and can’t wait to go back already.

It has been reported daily to me that it is hunting season, by my son.  It has been reported to me by my father that my son may be afraid of his new 20 guage(see earlier facebook video of said son shooting his new 20 guage)  I have informed my son that being excited about hunting season, yet being afraid to shoot a gun really don’t mesh.  He trumped up all sorts of excuses as to why he didn’t shoot his gun, but none made sense.  I’m quite sure it is not a deep rooted love for game animals, I’m pretty sure he is ok with the death of mallards and geese(aren’t we all),  he however is not a fan of shoulder pain caused by the kick of a shotgun.  I have explained it comes with the territory and he must deal.

we all do realize that AP supposedly has 7 kids with  7 different women, right?  Flying into town to hand down discipline to “your” kids and flying back out of town doesn’t make you a father, right? When you are 6’1″ and 220lbs of pure muscle, you should not beat bloody 4 year old children, right?    just checking

Sorry, I slipped again–It’s coming–there was frost up north, I’ve been in a hockey arena twice a week for 3 weeks, my son has an urge to hunt and not do his math homework, the trees are about to lose their leaves, I am in need of happy pills, I cannot survive another one of these, happy pills are 12 ounces each, it’s so bad I even would be willing to move to Des Moines to get an extra 3 weeks of sanity, Justin would probably make the A team there, since who plays hockey in Des Moines really, I would live in Kansas City, Omaha, Tulsa, Topeka, and a whole host of other crappy little towns south of here just so you know.  They all have relief from winter at some point earlier than here, it snowed a foot in Calgary last week–last week was EARLY SEPTEMBER,  you don’t really think this winter is going to be any different do you?  Spray your aerosol cans outside please–open the hole

Justin wanted to join band and play the trumpet. Justin never plays his trumpet, he doesn’t really even bring it home, Allie flipped out when we made her use Justin’s recorder from 2 years ago instead of buying a new one, he never played that either, she is going to use her own money to buy one because she doesn’t like the color, I wonder if she will play hers, having kids play soccer, hockey, and baseball on Sundays makes it very difficult to follow football, I know nothing about football and my betting in Vegas proved that, the state fair makes no sense to me, why does it take so long to build the football stadium, too many union breaks I bet, I haven’t cried this month, it’s only half over, I get 2 nights alone with my wife next week, I CAN HARDLY WAIT, it’s been way too long since our last solo vacation, There is a squirrel stalking my grill, there is about to be 1 less squirrel in the Loer’s yard, it’s nice to drive without the threat of black ice, Mike Rowe is funny and kind of cool, read his facebook page it’s worth it, is it April yet–I am so not ready for the snowpile–please no, don’t let it happen

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It’s Coming

Sweatshirts in less than a month, no more shorts, long sleeved shirts will need to be worn or nearby at least, snow most likely is about 6 weeks away, hockey starts in less time than that. I hate hockey and sweatshirts. I think Justin and Allie would be excellent beach volleyball players, as I was a tremendous player years ago once, in Mexico on that one trip we took, before the grandparents abandoned us for Florida and Texas, which made it so we couldn’t go on trips anymore. Man I was a Mexican rock star, they still tell stories about me I’m sure. They must hate their kids and  grandkids to leave for the whole winter like that.  Now, when I do it in 20 years it will be about love and respect that I leave for the winter to build character in my children.  I have warned them that if they choose to live here, that is there problem and not mine, as I will not be here to partake in their lives for at least 6 months. They can visit, but we will not be visiting them–Santa delivers toys where there isn’t snow I guarantee it. I had to put on a sweatshirt last week at my parent’s house as it was chilly in the morning. It is August.

My depression on the first day of school has nothing to do with the kids going back to school. It is all about me. I stand at the end of the road and look around at the trees starting to turn, and the beautiful green grass, kids in shorts and T-shirts and all I can think is–In one month from now this dump will be all white, the trees will be a shell of their former self, I won’t see grass for 7 months and the kids will all have a parka, one glove and a mismatching hat on. I know I won’t be walking to the end of the street anymore with the kids. I will scream at them to close the door as their little fannies head out to school. I used to look somewhat forward to October as it brought duck hunting and relatively comfortable weather. Now I never get to duck hunt because I’m in a hockey arena everyday and for some reason mother nature thinks it’s cool to start snowing on us in the 2nd week of October.

The last month of the summer has been unbelievable, great temps, sunny days, and general awesomenesss. I have heard several comments from people around me about what a great summer it has been. I agree we had 1 great month of summer, but really is that how low your expectations have become?  1 nice month and we’ve had a great summer. The winter from hell (x2) was followed by monsoon like weather in May and June. I put a sweatshirt on July 4th evening (I was in Bemidji). July 18th-August 18th were nice.  We got a decent month–yipee, lots of people get decent years, we got a month don’t go overboard with raving about how great it is to live here.  I have started to notice a grass roots effort by people who like it here, to try to get those of us who don’t like it here, to stop complaining. Not gonna do it, what would I write?  Happy poems about snowflakes and blizzards–I think not. We get it, you love torture and the color white. that’s fine for you, but some of us are trapped here by those we love and complaining is our coping mechanism.

Competetive golfers rarely smile, breast cancer sucks alot, Surly makes a good beer, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a chicken cross a road, As you saw in my latest post-Allie is really witty, sharp wit but witty none the less, I like Friday night beers with my neighbors, why is her wit and sarcasm always directed at her dad?, she might need therapy to work through some underlying issues, we bought a new vehicle, I don’t miss the old one, I wonder how hard it is to make Meth–I could use the extra cash, I’ve cried twice in a month, it had been years since I last did I think, Allie’s wit was not the culprit, stressful 6 months, it will be fine, I’m really really ok in my skin, therefore I can tell you that, I can wear pink, I can admit when a guy is good looking, I can admit I’m not as good looking, I know I outkicked my coverage, I thank god for her everyday, my kids are beautiful people, they are not perfect and neither am I, ice bucket challenge videos are cool but it might be time to call  a timeout for a year, yearly challenges are great as the cause is awesome and needs funding, but it’s time to wrap it up otherwise it loses it’s effect, little league baseball is fun to watch, 2 weeks without rain and my grass died–REALLY, what the hell is that about, this place is harsh, the south metro needs a taproom with a really good IPA

I am excited about hockey starting, especially for Allie.  She has finally reached the traveling level so no more playing the green team. She now gets to play real games against other cities, tournaments, etc.  I know it will just make us busier, but I do love watching the little people in my life playing hockey and with two of them traveling, busy we will be. Maybe I won’t have time to notice the snow. I dropped Allie off at a birthday party yesterday and realized that I graduated with the little girl’s mom 25 years ago, what are the odds right. I remembered her– take that, she didn’t remember me–blow to the self esteem . I guess I must look different:)  I used to wear glasses sometimes, maybe that’s why she didn’t remember me.

Why is it that every single person who isn’t on facebook says the same thing. I don’t have time for it and then they look at you like you are some sort of idiotic loser for having a facebook account and time to look at it.  I get it your too cool for facebook, but really some people enjoy it and that’s ok.  Not sure where the whole not enough time thing comes into play unless those people have no ability to manage their own behavior I guess. And really when we all say we are busy, sometimes we are, but how often are you too busy to look at your phone for 5 minutes or log on the computer and check a news feed for 10 minutes. It doesn’t make one a bad person, yet that’s how I feel when I talk to the anti facebook people.

I very rarely get political when I do these things, because I have learned that you are never able to change anyone’s mind on just about anything so I quit talking about politics a few years ago and I also basically quit voting for politicians on a national level. I deemed it useless. I will vote locally when necessary and live my life the same no matter which party has no control over Washington. My life changes very little based on what they do, so I decided it was healthier to just quit caring what they do. I figure someone will let me know when they are about to take my hunting guns and then I will take notice. That’s not happening soon so chill out.

I however, do not think it’s ok to shoot unarmed people not matter what color their skin is.  I also think looting hard working people’s small business’ and calling it a protest is also not a good thing. I am all for protesting when things need to be called attention to and changed and in this case I believe that change is necessary. However, protests can be held in daylight, by law abiding citizens where everyone including law enforcement should be respected.  It is a very simple concept that has been employed by great men and women throughout our history. Think Martin Luther King about now. Going about things in the manner in which things are being done right now south of us, only makes the people on either side of the issue feel more strongly in the position they hold. It does not foster change. It creates fear and chaos and effective change never happens in that environment. Just my opinion.

The other day Justin and I were coming home from Band camp, kind of nerdy I know.  There was a dead squirrel in the road. Another (live) squirrel comes running out in the road. I look at Justin and say “he’s gonna end up like his girlfriend if he isn’t careful”  Two seconds later there is a thud and two dead squirrels in the road. I felt terrible (this was not where tears were shed) I mean really the signs of danger were clear. Your comrade was smushed on the road, obvious danger exists. Please run to safety, danger is present. I think he decided life wasn’t living without her. Or he realized winter was coming soon and he doesn’t have a squirrel plane and decided to end the misery before it starts. Notice to all squirrels–if you are compelled to take your own life please do so under someone elses car–Thank you.


VEGAS IN  2 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Flooded basements and how Minnesota got settled

There are some people out there( lots and lots) who are dealing with flooded basements and that sucks.  I mention people I like, because if I don’t like you why would I care that your basement flooded. I, in fact, may take some satisfaction in your basement flooding. That is the kind of thinking my wife has been trying to work on with me for almost 20 years. You would think she would give up soon, but she keeps trying, bless her heart.

It’s like living in Seattle without the good football team, mountains, ocean, fish markets, landslides, etc.  I have learned that I would rather live there I think.  The rain sucks but when it stops for 10 minutes, you can go outside and enjoy mowing the grass.  However in winter, never once do I shovel and then sit in the driveway and admire what I did while having a beer. I tried it once–your hand just freezes to the aluminum and the seat rips on your chair because it’s frozen from being in the garage all winter. Nope, You take your frozen miserable ass inside as soon as possible to deal with the 3 sick humans that all have colds because they have been locked in small places with evey other sniffling little punk kid from the neighborhood.

  The coldest winter ever recorded followed closely by the shortest damn spring I’ve ever recorded, followed by the most rain in single month in recorded history in the craphole known as Minnesota.  If my wife isn’t watchful I may go out for the longest drive in recorded history. It’s possible I will end up in Brazil in time for the world cup final and some good old fashioned rioting. People tend to frown on neighbors sitting in folding chairs in their driveways in January anyhow.

btw, I don’t know anyone I don’t like who’s basement is flooding.  I would prefer to not live in Seattle just so you know.  Maybe Portland so I could drink beer and watch soccer with someone special:), the upside is I actually got grass to grow in places that haven’t seen grass in 8 years, it will die in August when it’s 110 for 18 straight days. during which you will go outside as much as you did from November to April when it was -22 everyday, I’m cranky again. we can’t win

Last baseball tournament of the year and last chance to qualify for the state tournament. We’ve hit a rough patch lately, but this field sets up nice for the boys. I think they are going to have a good weekend.  It’s only been two weeks and my kids are awesome, but I need a break already.  I’m trying to watch soccer and they want rides to friends houses, golf lessons, lunch, etc.  all completely unreasonable requests of their dad, but they keep asking anyway.  watch the tournament get rained out which will mean most of Justin’s 10 and 11 year old baseball seasons will be rained out. I mean really, point out some advantages to living here.

Wouldn’t you just love to get your hands on the first settlers, grab them by the scruff of the neck and scream into their beady little English eyes—LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK YOU STUPID BRITTISH IDIOT–THIS PLACE IS FROZEN FOR 8 MONTHS–RUN YOU FOOL.  The stupid ones would have ended up in Bismark and the smart ones would have ended up in LA and it is my contention that the lazy ones ended up here in Minnesota.  They got here in May and it was beautiful, they built a house, made peace with the natives, fished and hunted, wakeboarded,  planted corn, mama got knocked up, all was good–THEN– November came, It blew, snowed sideways, everything froze, buggies crashed into each other, lots of horses died in head on crashes, arrows froze to bows, the well froze over and THEN– spring came, flowers blossomed, baby was born and Sven decided it must have been a fluke. He planted more corn, added an addition on to the log cabin, got elected mayor, caught a 30 inch walleye, knocked up mama again, and THEN the same shit happened again.    5 kids and  20 years later and now mama won’t let him leave because now they have all this family in this horrible place and it’s would be like a 6 day buggy ride if we move to Des Moines,– when will we ever see the grandkids, what if little bobby needs us to watch his kids,–Stop whining and whittle me a fishing pole already–I know I ain’t leaving anytime soon

 repeat the same foolish cycle like 80,000 times and the state becomes populated with a bunch of people who apparantly like each other enough to be tortured for 8 months a year. That is the story of how Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota, Wisconsin(no that’s a different story), Iowa, and several other states all got settled. Sorry about your basement Alicia and Joe hope it turns out to not be that bad, you could always blast the air and make it a rink:)

A week in Bemidji soon, eat too much, drink too much, watch people excercise too much, pretend golf is excercise too much, take pontoon rides, watch my children get pulled around behind boats, see awesome people for 7 straight days, get rained on, bit by mosquitos the size of crows, lake itch, rain, rain, just kidding that never happens and I cannot say anything bad about my favorite place next to home with my family and Vegas and having a beer with the Petersons(HINT HINT)  also Vegas(HINT HINT) 

There is moss growing in my yard, the kind that looks like the stuff in rain forests. There are bugs crawling around I’ve never seen before, water is everywhere. If I was a right wing nutty guy,  I would think this might be some sort of apocolyptic sign, but instead it must be natures way of evening something out I would guess.  White Bear Lake needed the water I heard and somebody upstairs with some pull got his favor answered by the leader of the up their place, that’s my scientific explanation, from a guy who really doesn’t believe in that whole global warming thingy.  remember where I live–I’m up for it and I sure wish those funny world is ending oceans rising people were right at least a little bit.

It is a lot prettier looking out my window at all the green, instead of piles of snow though. I just wish I wasn’t always forced to look out my window–Have I bitched enough to do our misery justice.  If not, I’m sure I will soon–In case you were wondering I’m not depressed and you don’t need to worry about me(not that you would)  I love my life and the people that are in it, I would love them more in Hawaii though!!!!

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It Rains alot around here–Axe is for kids

It’s been a long while since I have had the urge to write anything, which must mean I am generally less pissed off about things.  Winter is finally over, there I have called it, but It should arrive again in less than 4 months.  I would like to say I have a sunnier outlook, but it appears now we are just going to drown instead of freeze.  We just can’t have anything nice. Baseball tournaments are shortenend, fishing tournaments I get poured on or because the water is rising so fast we can’t catch fish, soccer games constantly cancelled. You get the general idea, but I think it’s about to get nicer.

I bought a container of Axe body wash the other day. I’ve been using it for a couple of weeks and not one single woman has thrown herself at me. I wasn’t really looking for that outcome, but I have seen the commercials. I must not be using it right or something. When you go to Home Depot or Menards is it more advantageous to park near the in door or the out door?  My brain almost melts down everytime I enter the parking lot. Being a generally lazy person I want to do what’s easiest, but there really is no answer. I usually park in-between somewhere creating an equally long walk going in and coming out.  This feels like a win win, but it’s really not.  Why doesn’t Diana Ross get in trouble for her comment about the birds? That Obama guy made a huge mistake, but I know some people who cannot ever admit that to be the truth, I dislike all of them equally so don’t go there Jim.

World cup Soccer in a week. I can hardly wait. Stop yawning everyone. The USA stands very little chance, but they do have a chip and a chair. Joe Mauer is overpaid and needs to get meaner. It’s not going to happen.  I guess we will just have to be happy with smiley nice guy who grounds out to second for $20 million a year, which also will allow us to not be competitive for the next 10 years.  I miss Justin’s hockey team and their families. I didn’t say I missed winter and hockey arenas and all that stuff, just the people that we spent all winter with and around.  Baseball season has been up and down. The boys have a bunch of talent, but haven’t been displaying it every game like they can. I have no doubt we are about to see a really good stretch of baseball soon.  Allie’s soccer team has been tearing it up and our little striker is shining away.  ARSENAL WON THE FA CUP     She is having a blast and enjoys playing soccer almost as much as hockey I think.  Arjen Robben is a cheater.

Some drunk asshole decided to  try to drive my lovely wife off the road last week. He followed her for about 10 miles scaring the crap out of her.  He was really tormenting her and putting her in unbelievable danger. I’d like to spit a little beech nut in that dude’s eye–if you know the song you’ll get it.  I was more than a little pissed off and wishing I could have been a little closer to where she was. I wish someone would steal my car. It has a lot of work that needs to be done and I don’t want to do it. I have never liked that stupid Saturn. We are trying to sell it if you want it.  Needs some work, but YOU will love it I promise:) The guy was extremely drunk by the way and he was extremely pulled over a short time later

No turkey for Justin. We didn’t get to hunt much, but he officially hunted with his own gun and license.  I like craft beers, I used to hate beers that tasted like hops, now I can’t find a beer that tastes enough like hops. It’s wierd how things like that change. I am having a hard time being able to drink a Corona and I used to think I wanted to move to Mexico and live in a box less than a year ago. I still would  live in a box on the beach in Mexico, but I would like a craft brewery to open up nearby my box please. I have decided I am going to start collecting the growlers from small craft breweries. I have never been a collector of anything, but collecting something that holds beer seems like a fine idea to me.  Honey–don’t you think that sounds like a good idea?  You told me to find a hobby–I’m just doing what you told me to do :)  I have Red Wing and Bemidji brewery so far, if anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them.  Leech lake brewing company is next on the list.

I need to golf more, I wonder if Jim’s back is better?, I really really want to go to Vegas, but it’s too hot, I am applying for a short call teaching license to be a sub next year instead of a lunch lady, school is out!!, the trees have their leaves, the mosquitos are now in charge. skunks are terible pedestrians, not as bad as raccoons but close, taking pictures of eagles with smart phones is a dumb idea, a beer with Keith needs to happen soon, my driveway needs to be fixed–Sellman if you’re listening I can make you rich, or something like that, I will miss the daily knock knock jokes from 1st graders, almost time to start skating again, I got to catch a fish, it had been awhile,  Justin is going to get a phone soon, please don’t tell Justin he’s going to get a phone soon, also please return Justin’s phone to Justin when you find it soon–please and Thank you, good kid poor concentration,  I have won the war on the dandelion, it took 3 weeks, should one get sore from picking dandelions?,  Stanley cup playoff hockey is as good as it gets, road construction, gnats, wood ticks, snakes, pollen, shirtless hairy people, all bad things that come with warmth, not bad enough to trade for cold, need to win the lottery, note to self–play the lottery, go watch home movies of your kids when they were little

I don’t like noise, I mean any noise, it makes me irritable, vacuum cleaners are the worst, but many other things cause my noise irritation as well, I wonder if it’s a condition?, took 25th out of 55 boats in the fishing tournament, We once finished 3rd out of 93 boats in this tournament, I didn’t get a trophy, I wanted a trophy, the 3rd place team the year before got trophys, they only gave them through 2nd place the year I took 3rd, I really wanted that trophy, I blame my brother, he had nothing to do with it, but I blame him anyway. The 3rd place team all 6 years before we took 3rd got trophies, just sayin’,  spoons clanging on the side of glass bowls really bothers me, Justin bangs the cereal bowl every morning, and Jen apparantly puts ice cream inside the glass of the bowl and then she has to slowly scrape the side trying to release the trapped ice cream, I know it’s not right but it has to be a condition, I’m not in control and must be forgiven or at least given free medication. If I am causing the noise it doesn’t bother me, go figure, it’s been about 5 years since I watched the movie Fletch, I miss watching that movie about 1 time a week. Go Rangers, that was for you Eric

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Justin and Allie have made their choices

It’s March 23rd and it’s 7 degrees outside, I bet you can imagine how bad I want to choke Pharrell. I refused to scrape my windshield when I left for work this morning. I just kept spraying washer fluid on it until the defroster warmed up. I’m not shoveling or scraping until at least next November, so stay out of my way until I am at least to county road 2.

The elderly really should not have smartphones. Justin and I were at the cafe in New Market yesterday and a little 80 year old lady’s phone starts ringing.  She pulls out this huge android phone. I just about fell out of my booth. It was the funniest looking thing. Problem was she couldn’t hear anything, so she puts in on speaker and proceeds to start yelling/talking to the other old person. It was quite comical and yet so tragic.  This huge phone and this little old lady trying to have a conversation with a mostly deaf person on the other end,  in the middle of a packed restaurant.  Good stuff

In light of some recent happenings, I would like to take this opportunity to head off all the calls and mailings. Justin will be attending San Diego State University on a baseball/golf scholarship and Allie will be attending the University of Hawaii on a soccer scholarship and their mom and dad will split equal time between each university until long after they have graduated.  I heard it’s best to commit now. I know neither of these schools has asked or offered, but I thought I would get ahead of the game.  It will be a challenge for their parents and neither child will be given a say in the matter, but in the end, we will all be very happy, or at least I will.  Anything for my children, that’s what I always say.

My children had no idea who popeye was. How did I let them get to 8 and 11 without knowing who Popeye was?  I felt like a failure.  I quickly youtubed Popeye eating spinach to lay the groundwork, but I then realized there was so much more to teach my little people. How do they learn about Brutus, Olive Oyl, Swee ‘Pea, Wimpy and the rest, unless I teach them. They will have no understanding of “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today”  They will definately be made fun of.  Mostly by me as usual, but also by the two other kids who parents made sure to educated their children on all the  70’s and 80’s cartoons.  Do kids know who Yogi, Scooby, Scrappy, road runner, bugs bunny, and so many others are?  What do they think a sleestak is?  Who are the really rottens?  So many things to teach them and yet so little reason to do so.

5 cars at the endzone this morning, must have been a good night last night,  how does one lose an entire airplane?, bizarre—

Justin made the AAA baseball team, his dad nearly had a heart attack when I looked at the website and it said he was on the AA team.  I had apparantly grabbed the screen when they were loading the pinney numbers and it was last year’s results.  I wasn’t in a good place and thankfully Paula Brohmer intervened at the perfect time and kept me from falling over the edge. It has been difficult/fun to watch Lakeville North have such a nice run. The hard part is knowing that some of those are South kids and wishing we would get our shit together and fix our problems so they don’t need to leave to be successful. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.

Justin made the mistake of calling an actor important. It was someone who was in trouble or overdosed or something and he made the mistake of saying “they were important, right?”  To which my response was to teach the difference between important and famous.

Important–your mother, father, sister, family, friends and people that are generally good in the world.  They are also people who contribute to the well being of others and who have a direct impact on your life.  There is a large difference between these people and those who are simply famous. These people don’t generally break laws, they will answer the phone when you call them, they will come get you when you need a ride, no matter what you did.  They all know your name and most know when your birthday is.  They are anyone you meet from here forward in your life, until they give you reason to believe otherwise. They deserve your attention and respect and should be treated the way your mother has taught you to treat those people and not the way your father has taught you to treat those people.

famous– Everyone knows who you are because you play something, get arrested, stand in front of a camera and pretend to be something you are not, sing while grabbing your crotch, or your parents have money. None of these things are important and absolutely none of them means you have any sort of intelligence at all. You shall never confuse the two and shall never place more importance on the famous over the important.

Justin then looked at me and said, “whatever dad, he’s famous then right?”  Yep kid-the idiot who got arrested is famous not important-you know like the president and congress.

Those of you who have kids at JFK–Do you ever wonder why they lock all the front doors except one?  Is there evidence that suggests that bad people will leave if all but one door is locked?  why wouldn’t they just come in the one unlocked door like I do?  This all seems quite odd to me, but maybe someone can offer an explination that makes sense. Maybe they think if there is two of them, then only one could come in, but wouldn’t they just both use the same door and come in single file?  I’m so confused, please help.

In light of the stupid sign in front of me banning guns on these premises, I am going to list other stupid signs I would like to see put up. 

A sign banning accidents on 35w and 494 would be appreciated, a sign at Ames arena banning poor decisions by the ref would be nice, a sign banning potholes, a sign banning old people and smartphones, a sign at the bank banning robberies on this premises–that should stop all bank robbers right?, a sign banning kids standing in front of the tv, a sign banning squirrels on my deck, a sign banning all Sioux jerseys at NCAA sanctioned events–they all won’t be able to go as they have nothing else to wear, a sign banning all signs that don’t make sense, a sign banning geese on golf courses, a sign banning dirty clothes and dishes,  There are so many other things that signs cannot help with, but I’m bored and I bet so are you.  Point is–signs only work for those of us who already do the right thing, but I guess they make certain other people feel better.

LA in 4 days, We are staying at Venice Beach for 5 days, several people have now made us question our decision. It apparantly has a lot of “unique’ personalities hanging around. Weed is sold openly by “medicine men” who write prescriptions on the spot for whatever ails you. I could care less about most of it, but the kids reactions should be interesting.  We get to watch the Wild and Kings on Monday and go to Disney on Wednesday.   Best of all, We get to be warm and together. There is never a bad day when you are at the beach on the ocean.  I also get to spend time with one of the Jims and that’s never a bad thing.

The University of Minnesota won the NCAA bass fishing National Championship, first time a school north of the Mason Dixon line has ever won it, I didn’t even know it existed until they were on the radio on the way in today,  couldn’t be more proud of the gopher fishing team, I’m a huge fan. cookies are good, snow needs to go, trees need leaves, soccer fields need little girls running and screaming, baseball fields need bats cracking, another squirrel is close to crossing over, I expect my neighbors to have the snowpile gone when I return as it cannot always be me who shovels it around the street to speed up it’s demise–Jason, my christmas lights are still up and so is the tree in the backyard, Drive in movie theatre in Elko–WOOHOO!!, I need to see hairball soon, Donald Trump is kind of an idiot, I didn’t win the lottery except when I married Jen, but I didn’t win the lottery thing with the balls and millions of dollars attached to it lottery, I want to go fishing

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It’s almost March–SO WHAT

It’s almost March and normally even I would start to feel hopeful that things are about to change. I would start looking at my fishing poles and tackle box and have thoughts of actually using them. I just can’t do it. It snowed into May last year and none of the lakes were open at opener. We are looking forward to another polar vortex(stupid term, I hate it) and more snow. It never melts. It may never end. Did I mention I had Pneumonia, followed by Laryngitis, and now finishing up with Pink eye. I haven’t been able to see out of my right eye for 5 days, the eye doctor said it could be 5 more. She was like 12 years old though, so not sure I trusted her.  It has made my normal cheery disposition dissappear :) It’s been a miserable 3 week stretch.

I heard on the radio the list of the 5 happiest states in America.  Minnesota was 4th, South Dakota was 3rd and North Dakota was #1. I kept waiting for the list of dumbest people in America, then I realized they were the same list.  Seriously what could you possibly be happy about living in these places?  Must be all that beach time for the North Dakotans or maybe the hiking in the mountains.  I wonder if they realize you can get drunk all day in San Diego too, the only difference is you can do it outside in the sun.  There is a reason people don’t take 7 day vacations to Minnesota to cool down, it’s because they are ACTUALLY happy where they are. We pretend to be happy and spend most days convincing ourselves that we are happy, but we really just survive for 6 months.  People confuse happy and pride I think. North Dakotans and Minnesotans are very proud of where they live for some reason, but I am having a hard time finding many that are happy about where they live right now, but they feel like they need to win these polls, so they lie and say they are happy. I wonder how happy they will be when the guy behind them at the stop sign slides into their bumper or their car won’t start, or it shakes so bad you can’t drive it because of all the snow built up under it has made it unbalanced, love this place, happy to be here. Seriously a shaking car because snow builds up underneath it, people shouldn’t live like this

That stupid I’m Happy song on the radio makes me want to punch things, mostly Pharrell.

Hockey season is winding down and I’m a little bummed. I have loved being around this group of kids and parents. It has been a fun and successful year for the most part. We lost out on winning the district, which I was hopeful this group could finish out, but it wasn’t meant too be.  Baseball tryouts in 2 weeks and I am already looking forward to moving on to baseball. I am just hoping we melt the snow by June.

Jen said she heard birds singing the other day when it was 40, I said that’s because they can’t watch Belinda Jensen and know that there is a foot of snow on the way and a polar vortex to follow, if they knew that they wouldn’t sing the dumb little birds.  Maybe weather people are to blame for unhappiness. If we didn’t know we were going to be miserable for the next 7 days, maybe we could pretend to be happy like North Dakotans. Maybe they are happy because they don’t have electricity yet, which means they don’t have weathermen, which means they don’t have someone telling them about the misery they are about to endure, which means they can be blissfully ignorant. I have figured it out as I type, I have solved the happy North Dakotan mystery!!!  No Tv’s equals Happy–got that Pharrell

The Olympics are almost over and I don’t know what I will do with myself. I love rooting for the Amercians and against the Canadians. I did get a job during the day now, so I guess there is that, but I love watching athletes compete in a bunch of sports we never get to watch. I did however lose my desire to watch curling, it is just boring to watch. I found myself wishing there was a baseball game to turn it over to for excitement. It looks fun to do, but not so much to watch. It looks like a perfect match to beer drinking, so maybe that’s why I was interested in it. I will miss humans hurling down hills on boards and in wierd looking ships on the brink of death all too beat some guy named Viktor or Lars in a sport I could care less about except for these two weeks, but right now seems so important. If they just got rid of figure skating it would be perfect. Events are only real if there is a timer running or a score being kept by referees and not “Judges”. Noone should ever fall down and win a medal, EVER. Ski racers don’t fall and win, bobsledders don’t fall out of the bobsled and still win a medal, skeletoners would die if they fell off, if a snowboarder smokes too much dope and falls down–Even he doesn’t win a medal, if a biathlete falls down I think his/her gun goes off shooting them in the back of the head and they of course then lose.  You get the point–NO FALLING DOWN ALLOWED- hockey players get knocked down–it’s different

My garage door doesn’t work when it’s really cold. My garage door doesn’t work very often. My gas grill doesn’t work when it’s really cold. My gas grill hasn’t worked since Thanksgiving.  I’ve had a package of hamburgers in my freezer for months, I really want a grilled hamburger. Maybe by the 4th.  Jen tries to tell me to say 3 positive things for every negative thing I say–good thing that doesn’t work in the blog world. I would have to write a lot and think of something positive to say.  I will try one paragraph just to see if I can do it.

1. Jim Hartwell cracks me up, 2. Keith Peterson could do 3 positive blogs a day, 3. I wish I was more like him, 1. WINTER SUCKS, 1. babies are cute, 2. the snow can be pretty, 3. blue-green water rocks,  1. COLD BITES, 1. snow leopards are neat,  2. Spam tastes good, 3. my wife is beautiful,  1 SNOW IS CRUEL,  1. Canada has nice people, 2. my children are good people, 3. I love my neighborhood and neighbors,  1. CANADIAN HOCKEY PLAYERS ARE DIRTY,  1. The elko city workers work hard,  2. Western North Dakota can be beautiful, 3. The prettiest sunsets I have ever seen have been in North Dakota/Hawaii, both beautiful for different reasons, but equal in value, 1. SUNSHINE IN WINTER IS CRUEL,  1. Redmond makes me smile everytime I see him, 2. I know a lot of really cool people named Jim, 3. The hot tub is broken,  1. COPS WHO PULL OVER PEOPLE FOR USING THE DIAMOND LANE AT RUSH HOUR SHOULD BE FIRED, 1. Girls hockey is fun to watch, 2. sushi rolls are good, 3. waterslides are fun,  1.$40 FOR A FAMILY OF 4 IS TOO MUCH TO CHARGE TO WATCH THE GIRLS CONSOLATION FINAL HOCKEY GAME, 

That’s as far as I can go, I feel like saying a bunch of negative things to balance it out. And she said I would feel better. It didn’t work and I want to punch Pharrell again because he spells his name stupid and sings that dumb happy song. How many times to do you have to say I’m Happy, I’m happy, I’m Happy, now sing it while you are kicking the dog.


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I have officially had it, this place is just STUPID

I’m no weather man, but let me give it a shot at the repeating forecast for the crap hole known as Minnesota.

Day 1

High 7

Low -3

This one isn’t too bad in our crummy state.  The wind will blow and it will feel like shit, but it will no doubt be one of the best days of the week.  Wash your car and do your shopping because this is probably the only day you or the kids will actually leave the house.

Day 2

High 0

Low -13

The wind will slowly pick up to about 15, it will lightly start to snow. about 2-4 inches worth.  Just enough to screw up the roads right at rush hour and make your sorry ass shovel right when the wind chill hits about -25.

Day 3

High -6

Low -19

Here is where the fun part of the pattern starts, the 2 days where it never reaches 0.  Your car hates you, you don’t leave the house for anything but emergencies.  School is cancelled and your children pester you all day about what to do.  They are as sick of you as you are of them.  It’s too cold to play outside and it’s too cold to drive them to anyone’s house. You’ve played every stupid game you have in the house and every dumb movie has been watched 3 times.  You now wish every Disney show character a slow death as you’ve seen every episode of every show 5 times.  Dogs don’t have blogs kids, you have to be smarter than a dog to have a blog.  Oh, I forgot to mention the windchill–it will be somewhere between -40 and -60, those numbers shouldn’t be humanly possible, but they are in our wonderful state–lucky us. It’s stupid cold

Day 4

high -2

Low -14

only slightly less shitty than the day before.  You will start to feel like you will live through it. You can now unlock the guns as you can once again safely be around yourself.  The windchill will still be around -30, but if you stand behind your car it will feel suprisingly ok.  The kids still won’t be in school the soft little punks.  You have a tremendous urge to send them outside no matter the weather and see if you can toughen them up.  Hopeful that a neighbor sees them outside and invites them in for awhile. Your car is white and nasty and so is your jacket from rubbing against it, but you can’t wash it because it would freeze like a deer in the headlights. It starts to change here, not necessarily for the better but it does change.

Day 5

High 8


It’s still cold for most humans that don’t live in a torture chamber, but for us it’s a heat wave. You once again may wash your car. The kids would go back to school, but it’s end of the quarter or teacher rest day or presidents day or some other dumb reason they were already scheduled for.  You set the hockey skates outside the front door, feed them breakfast and tell them they are not allowed back in until their fingertips are white or it’s lunchtime.  whichever comes 2nd. You may have looked out the window and saw another human outside of their house for the first time this week, that was not just rushing to their mailbox.


Day 6

High 22

Low  7

Wash your car, it’s the weekend so the damn kids are still around, build a snowman in the fresh 3-6 inches of snow, nervously drive on the unplowed roads to hockey practice, shovel, the wind is actually under 10mph, make stupid statements like “it’s nice outside”, go ice fishing, etc. This is the day we reach the peak of stupidity in my opinion.  We actually fool ourselves into thinking this isn’t that bad of a place after all.

Day 7

High 11

Low -1

One “nice” day was enough I guess.  The wind picks back up, it snows another 2 inches just to let you know that it’s not 25 below zero. You can’t have a day without snow, wind, or -25 degree temperatures, you might smile and we can’t have that now can we.


This is actually how the forecast has looked since the end of November. If it’s not below zero, it’s snowing.  The roads are horrible, it freezing cold, and the wind is always blowing.  The kids are all now a grade behind. I need happy pills.  Enough about the weather.


The gophers won the innaugural Star of the North trophy last night. It made me remember how much I despise North Star stuff. They are gone, quit buying the T-shirts and hats. I know the name Wild is stupid and I wish we were the North Stars, but your shirt really isn’t that cool anymore. It just makes me hate the name Wild more that’s all. They are gone and not coming back, deal with it.

My mom and dad made it to Texas, no radiation or anything for mom, it looks like she’s in the clear. We had an awesome trip to Vegas and off she went.  There was snow south of Dallas, so I guess it’s not just us.  It will be gone tomorrow, so no Texas you don’t get any sympathy from me.  If I was a deer, I would run in front of a semi.

We lost to Lakeville North last night 5-1. We are better than them.  I don’t think most 10 year olds understand what a rivalry is.  They were not fired up at all. I wonder when playing your rival will matter. I yelled alot tonight trying to channel my inner Zemlak–it didn’t work.  Justin scored the goal, that was the only good thing that happened all night. Let’s hope they play better tommorrow. Allie’s team lost 8-7 to Inver Grove. Great game and lots of fun to watch. She is battling a cold so she was a little off her game, but they played great.  Edina tomorrow, let’s hope we beat the evil green giant.

I wonder what tow truck drivers in San Diego do all day without 500 cars in the ditch to pull out every other day.  I am guessing they may be busy towing impounded drug dealers cars, but I’m not sure. Snow melting when it’s 22 outside is so ironic. All it does is make the roads wet and the car in front of you sprays your windshield, but when you try to wash it off, the washer fluid freezes to your windshield. Either that, or you wiper blade is frozen an inch higher than you windshield so you have to stop and bang it free in order to see clearly the misery you live in. This place is awful. Snow on May 16th and now this winter,  I’m not doing well. The last time we had a winter like this, we apparantly had one of our warmest summers ever.  So now none of us will be able to go outside in July either. It’s like a prison and I am now 42 years and 10 months into a 60 year sentence, I wonder what my crime was.  It had to be bad.

The snow leading up to the grill is untouched by squirrel feet for about 2 weeks, or since the day I decided enough was enough. I think they may be able to learn from the mistakes of their friends.  Who knew that all I had to do was ring a BB off one of them and they would all be watching so closely and take notice of my seriousness.  My grill is now safe even though I may never be able to go outside the house to use it again.  Did I mention Al Gore is an IDIOT, it’s 48 in Anchorage, I miss my wife and she’s only been gone 1 day. I miss cigars and beers in the garage with the neighborhood boys club. It’s too cold and I’m always in a hockey arena. 4 inches of snow overnight and strong winds all day tommorrow says the weather guy, then the temperature plummets overnight sunday to -21 and a windchill of around -50. AWESOME–anybody want 2 cute kids on Monday. Can I go to Vegas please, actually I need a beach in front of unfrozen water and not for a week, it needs to be for the rest of my life. Sinkholes can’t happen when the ground is frozen,

Oh and for good measure, some jerkoff hacked my verizon account online yesterday and went and bought himself 3 iphones and disabled 4 of the lines on my account. No I’m not a drug dealer, my parents have their phones on my account and so is our home phone. that’s why I have 5 phones.  Bad people suck, I blame Target.

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Thank god for hockey

  It’s the beginning of January and it feels like we have been through a full winter already. It’s dark all the time, freezing cold, and nobody should ever utter the words “it’s a nice day” when the temperature reaches 20. The majority of the world does not live like this.  I feel like a prisoner. The only thing redeeming about living here is hockey and that’s not enough. We got like 3 months of summer and now this crap. Everyone keeps mumbling stupid shit like “Oh-we’ll get paid back for it later, or we’ll probably get an early spring”  Probably get an early spring–these people are complete morons. As if an early spring can make up for 9 months of pure torture. There is not one of the 10,000 lakes or state parks, north shore drives, fall color tours, etc that can make up for being treated like this for 8 months every year.  People live near oceans, mountains, and beaches where the temperature rarely falls below 50 and they are happy and outside. They can sit on restaurant patios all year, have dinner on their deck in January, have a beer with their neighbor in the driveway in February–hell you get the picture, this place is useless.  This state is a cruel joke and we are all willingly living in it. I’m not willingly here, but if I want to see my wife and kids I have to stay.  Luckily she’s beautiful and they are kind of cute, otherwise I would be gone, living in a box on the Vegas Strip. I shot one of the squirrels, his death is not confirmed however. He may be alive with a limp or extremely sleepy in the hole in the tree. Not sure–don’t care.  There are no paw prints leading to the grill, so either he’s become a flying squirrel, learned his lesson, or crossed over to the great squirrel beyond.

Justin’s team has had a great start going 13-4 so far, not counting the butt kicking Hastings put on us last night.  It was a “scrimmage” so I chose to not count it.  The kids are awesome and I am having a blast coaching and watching them all play hockey. Being that close to your kid while he’s playing hockey can have it’s ups and downs. He’s closer to chew his ass when he does stupid things, but he’s also close to celebrate with when he does awesome things. Luckily for me he does more awesome than stupid–at least for now but he is my kid.  Allie has been doing awesome so far and she’s scoring a ton of goals. Something clicked and she now has a shot to match her blazing speed on the ice. She is more in love with hockey than anyone in the family and we are a hockey loving bunch.  Her dad couldn’t be more proud.

So the other day I was pulling into the Holiday gas station to put air in my tires. Why not right, the light was on again. It’s on every other day just to torment me. The air hose is in front of the last parking stall, there is one car in front of me as I pull in, there are no other cars parked in the 6 stalls in front of the station, guess where this lady parks her car. Yep–right in front of the air hose, not in the 5 spots closer to the door of the station–she parks furthest from the door and right in front of the air hose. Did I mention she was the only car in front of me. She couldn’t be getting gas, she had to go in the store.  She proceeds to sit in her car for 5 minutes, so I pull in right next to her, hopeful I can stretch the hose far enough to get to my back tire. I of course cannot, but I successfully put air in the front tire and decide I am going to pull out and back into the spot to get the rear tire, because she of course is still in the store with no exit in sight.  I pull out and quick spin around and start to back in, only to have 2 punk kids roar into the lot and pull into the spot I had just backed out of.  Good news–they were just returning  a red box movie so out they go quickly. I then back in right as some lady boxes me in on the other side.  She is so close I can barely open my door, I try to wait patiently until she gets out so I don’t hit her car with my door, but she sits in her car and won’t get out.  I have now exhausted the list of cuss words I know and decide to get out door scrape or no door scrape. I successfully exit and she opens her door and gets out after not even thinking about opening her door for what felt like a half hour.  I turn to look at her and of all things what does she have in her hands–a tire pressure guage. I mean really why wouldn’t she.  Just then I remember I have left the hose on the ground stretched out between our cars, but I have to go all the way around mine because her door is now blocking the back of my car. I put my head down and ran–(first time in years) to the back of the car. I beat the old lady to it, filled my tire, mumbled some cuss words, threw the hose at the store and was on my merry way.  It ruined my whole day and then the tire pressure light came back on as I pulled into work.

Allie gets to much credit for being sweet, She picks on me for being fat way too much to be considered sweet.  She is an observant witty little thing, but as we all know wit can easily turn to cruelty when not used properly.  I get to go to VEGAS in less than a week!!!!!!!  My mommy and I get to take 4 days in our favorite place. She had a bit of a health scare and her reward for making it through is a trip to our favorite place with her favorite son:)  I wish we would have gone this Sunday, but next Sunday will work just fine.  It’s supposed to be 65 and sunny everyday.  My Water Softener uses way too much salt. Dennis Rodman is very much like a cartoon figure, why does bad weather only seem to matter to the national news people if and when it hits the east coast, it’s been too cold to unplug my christmas lights, Randy Moss should not be a tv commentator, cold is stupid, beer isn’t, I wonder if the cranky bartender at the Freemont will remember me on Sunday,  Justified is back, Raylan Givens is the best character on TV, I might actually play Bingo while in Las Vegas,  I might be getting old, ice fishing is wierd, I can’t wait to be standing in front of the Bellagio, I need a beach and blue/green water.

The fridge finally died, just as we ordered a new one, I had to put 4 new tires on the Camry, and now the computer just died and won’t come on at all.  I just wonder what’s next, which car part we will be paying for, or what neat new appliance we will be getting that I didn’t know I wanted.  Anyone know how to get all the pictures on a flash drive if/when I get the computer back on for a few last breaths before it dies again, I would love an explanation on how to do that if you have said knowledge.  Yeo needs to go, Yeo needs to go–If we weren’t so Minnesota nice that would be chanted throughout most all Wild games as it should.  Olympics soon–can’t wait, my car is so so dirty and it’s too cold to wash it, my jacket is a mess from rubbing against it, I should probably wash that,  as it’s not really that cold in the laundry room, I think I may win big in Vegas, don’t know why just got a feeling, wish me luck

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Hockey is here, starting to wish I wasn’t

I am dedicating this entry to my Aunt Jean who passed away this past weekend.  She told me several times how much she loved reading these and was one of only two people to have actually posted a response on this site.  She was a wonderful women who raised awesome kids and we will all miss her very much.






The leaves are all gone, it was under 10 degrees last week and will be again next week, it snowed already, it’s always windy, Jen and I are both sick, and I REALLY REALLY miss Vegas. Why do I blow the leaves out of the yard, they just come back the next day, they are mocking me, beef sticks are great snacks to help you lose weight, but my breath is awful, I only got to hunt once this season and even though it’s not over I think that may be it and it wasn’t that great of a trip. There is a squirrel trying to chew through the hose on my gas grill, I am tempted to let him gas himself the little shit, 98 pounds buffet is awesome, the water in this town is brutal, spiders suck, no more mosquitos, the mice are trying to get in, the new highway is really smooth and quiet, the Vikings need to lose now, The Wolves have almost made me pay attention to basketball on like two occassions, the Gopher hockey team is awesome right now, hope it lasts, the Sioux are sucking and it’s awesome, they won’t suck in March I bet, the Mayor of Toronto is embarassing and I feel really bad for the people of Toronto, not him though, he’s a tool and needs to go away and take Obama with him, you have to think that even if you are a democrat, I find myself wishing Hillary had won as I know she would have done a better job, but a better job wouldn’t have been hard to achieve i guess

Hockey has started, Justin is on the B Squirt team and Allie made to top level of U8’s. I am an assistant coach for Justin’s team and apparantly part of a team to manage Allie’s team.  Justin’s team opened up it’s first scrimmage with an 8-0 romp over Shakopee and I thought we might be state champs and then we lost to Prior Lake 3-1 (it was 1-1 with 2 minutes left and we carried the play most of the game), so now I think we might finish 2nd to Prior Lake or beat them like we should have Sunday. We get another crack at them this weekend. I get now how towns with two high schools have rivalries and all, but when you hang out with people who have kids who play for the other school, it makes it hard to want them to lose. I thought it would be a natural dislike and I would wish them nothing but losses, but it isn’t like that. Sometimes it is, but most of the time it’s not. I find myself wanting the North Squirt A team to have a good year because there are a few people who’s kids play for them that I hope good things happen to them. I have more to say, but I don’t want to get into trouble, my mind is filtering in my wife’s voice right now. It tends to do that and sometimes I rebel against the voices and sometimes I listen to them. I think I will listen to them this time.

Growing up in Red Wing in the 70’s and 80’s was hard for a hockey player. Our team never had a chance to win when playoff time came because there was only one class and the Rochester Schools dominated our section. Some of my greatest memories were watching the State tournament and especially that my mom and dad would take me to the section 5 and 6 finals at the Met Center every year. When I was really young they took me to a Jefferson/Kennedy game and I fell in love with Bloomington Jefferson. I like baby blue what can I say.  Those games were the highlight of my year and since Red Wing was done I was a huge Jefferson fan and I won several state championships through the Jags.  Now they are a direct rival and I want nothing more than for my son/daughter to be on the ice across from Jefferson and beat them like a drum and they play for a school that actually can.  It hasn’t happened yet. we are in different districts, same high school conferences, but different youth districts. I have tried to set up a scrimmage but it hasn’t happened yet. I look forward to that day. Our first game in our upcoming tournament is against Wayzata and they are coached by Larry Olimb, I think I am the only one who is a little excited to meet him, as he represents an era of high school hockey that gave me great enjoyment and he was an amazing player during that time. No autographs or anything and I won’t stalk him, but it will be nice to meet him.

All the old people are like the mallards, they are heading south soon. I wish I was an old people sometimes, never wish I was a Mallard though. The way some old people drive I’m not sure it’s much safer for them to head south than it is for a mallard.  The dangers seem to be ever present for both on the trip. I do wish I had wings though. I told you all sinkholes were going to become a huge problem. The squirrel has now eaten through the duct tape I put over the hose, I think this has to be dealt with a different way. That doesn’t bode well for the 2 squirrels that are tag teaming my grill. It may be time for them to join the half tailed squirrel. If you were in prison and could bring in one thing, what would it be? Soap on a rope? that was an answer given by someone my brother had class with. I think fullproof escape plans would be my answer, but soap on a rope would be 2nd.

Girls hockey is seeing a steady decline in participation and it is really bothering me. Nothing against those of you who put your children in dance and gymnastics, but c’mon really. Hockey teaches them to be tough, smart, athletic, graceful, and most of all they win by scoring goals.  Not  by being judged by some uptight jerkoff who is charging you 200% over cost on a dance costume that you can use 1 time, $100 for a video that you could have done with your cellphone, and $75 hour for a crappy studio session in a strip mall.  I don’t have to wait in a loud obnoxious gym for 6 hours to watch my kid tumble around on a floor for like 18 seconds and attempt to call it gymnastics and some cranky old lady gives her a score that earns her a 4th place yellow ribbon.  Sports only count if the winner is decided by the team or individual involved and not by a panel of has been, agitated middle aged women/men who haven’t competed in anything in like 30 years and haven’t been on a date in even longer.  Our society needs girls that play hockey, they will be the future leaders of our world. Strong, tough, competitive women who take no shit from anyone are what we need, although I do enjoy olympic gymnastics, but I just can’t wrap my head around the dance thing, sorry.  We have went through great efforts to keep allie out of the dance studio, mostly because hockey is cheaper. you don’t hear that very often and scoring goals is awesome.

I need to win the lottery, note to self—play the lottery, I need to find a way to get to Vegas soon, hockey schedule is complicating that matter–so is having a wife and kids , she thinks I just went–it was like 8 months ago, holy crap it’s been that long– I really need to go, my points on my casino players cards are going to expire, I don’t think she cares if my points expire, they are worth like 8 bucks, so I should by a plane ticket to vegas to save those $8, the room is free–there are resort fees now, but they don’t really count- I got gambling money, but I’m broke and it is Christmas season.  I really really want to go. I have hated my  car since the day we bought it–why did I buy it then?  it did make sense for what our lives are now–hauling children and hockey bags all over the world 7 days a week, I would like some Keith Peterson time now, JASON GOT A DEER!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!! let me say that again–JASON BUTTS GOT A DEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  the bus leaves Elko soon–make sure you are on it–I love my wife and she rocks

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The force is strong in this one and stages of Elementary School children

I have far too many hats. The top of the armoire(thingy that holds the tv) in our bedroom has about 20 hats on it. I wear about 3 of them, but they all have their place. I am very picky about hats.   I leave the cardboard that comes with the hat, in the hat. I hate it when the front of a hat falls down and looks flat, they MUST remain firm in the front. Wierd, I know, but it is what it is. Construction sucks–I have seen more of Prior Lake than I ever wanted to. Hockey tryouts tomorrow, I’m way more nervous than Justin is, but he is actually a little nervous, which isn’t normal for him

Justin’s desire to hunt is unbelievable, we drive around and he spends his whole time looking for ducks, geese, turkeys, deer, or whatever animal he can try to convince me to kill.  Jen is particularily thrilled to know of every flock of mallards flying within 5 miles of the car at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I love to hunt and when the time is right I will look forward to it, but his obsession is bordeline problematic. For those of you who don’t hunt, you have no idea what I mean when I say “the force is strong in this one”. You think it’s a star wars reference and it is, but the force I am talking about is a feeling that comes over a Loer male about late August and only gets stronger as you move through September and can turn into a mind numbing obsession in October. Geese that were once a pain in the ass on the golf course, suddenly take on a different appeal.  They all of the sudden are not just  poop filled sky carp, but are now the cunning enemy, majestic flying fortresses, bogies, enemy combatants, carriers of bird flu, and they must  be tricked within killing range and dealt with immediately.  The force is not as strong in me as it once was, but it is still there. I only worry that I will not be able to nurture it in my young Jedi warrior of a son.  It appears as though I cannot do anything to screw it up though. He told me the other day that he needs to spend more time with Grandpa because “Dad, you don’t even like to hunt”.  I’m not sure about that one kid, but I know I am not nearly as obsessed about it as he is. So of course he sees that as I no longer like to hunt. I can’t win.

The trip to Portland was fun and seeing Jojo and Jim unfortunately turned out to be the highlight. I love them, but I wanted to catch Salmon.  Our guide was a tool and the commercial fishermen took 28,000 Salmon out of the river the night before we arrived.  Our guide fell asleep, almost never changed bait, never once moved, lied to customers on the phone in front of us, didn’t clean our 1 fish, smelled funny, oh wait that was Jim, and in general wasn’t very good at his job.  Crab fishing was a blast and I had the most fun watching Redmond pull up the crab pots.  He was having a blast and so was I, it was a hoot.  I would love to do it again, but I would do the fishing different. 

Why does my garbage can tell me ” Don’t roll cart with the lid open”, I did it and nothing happened. It just rolled up the driveway and right alongside the garage like it always does. Have they had problems with injuries from people rolling their garbage cans with the lid open?  were their lawsuits that people actually won against garbage companies?  who would think to file a suit against the garbage company when they were dumb enough to roll the can with the lid open down the driveway and cause injury to themselves.  I would crawl back in my house and hope to god the neighbors didn’t see my dumb ass get hurt by my garbage can and then I would never speak of it again. It’s snowing in the Dakotas, they deserve it for living in the dakotas, but crap it’s snowing.

Hockey tryouts, snow close by, leaves falling. I think the next few months should allow for cranky Chris to re-emerge. As if I ever went away. Dude at work vacuums the rug for like 10 minutes and it drives me crazy, LT knows what I am talking about.  It has to be the cleanest rug in the history of rugs. It’s like a 5×2 rug that should take like 12 seconds to vaccuum. I don’t want winter to come, I have been flipped off 3 times this week by people who drive like idiots, one of them was like a 70 year old lady, the speed limit signs are meerly suggestions people, If I am too close–GO FASTER

I think it’s cute that everyone gets so worked up about the government shutdown and posts clever little sayings on facebook. I have seen how much congress makes and tons of cute little posts about how people have decided to not pay their taxes because they are  themselves going on a shutdown.  I hope you all realize they aren’t reading your facebook page and they could care less what we think.  They have all enclosed themselves in a cocoon so insulated that none of what anyone says or thinks matters. Their re-election does not hang in the balance, because the vast majority of them will never be held accountable and even if they do, they will ride off into the sunset with their pensions and health care. Take a Nancy Pelosi for instance, it doesn’t matter that she cannot connect two intelligent thoughts together or one for that matter.  The only thing that matters is that she can raise money and she resides in a state that will only elect a democrat. I only pick on Nancy because it is so easy, but the same goes for any money loving Republican from Texas or Mississippi.  The point being that none of it matters, so go back to posting jokes or what your kids are doing or where you are on vacation, or whatever you are doing that is far more interesting than politics, we have proven over and over again that most of us don’t care, so quit boring us with your clever little shutdown sayings.

Macadamia nuts are awesome, Why is it that everyone with eyes can see Christian Ponder just isn’t going to be a good Quarterback, except Leslie Frazier?  I like christian and he seems like a good guy and all, but he will never be Tom Brady or even Tommy Kramer for that matter.  QB’s never ever recover from this kind of start to a career and go on to become great players. We have all seen how this goes and Ap is going to be washed up before we get it right.  The people that say AP will never run for 2,000 yards again are the same people that said he would never recover from his knee injury, yet they say it with such a smugness about them. Only 3 people have ever run for that many yards so saying he won’t do it doesn’t really take that much great insight, but saying it like you know you are right just makes you look stupid, FYI  Dude is a beast and saying he cannot do something is just silly, jelousy will get you nowhere

We all live here right now because I guarantee that most of you have forgotten just how horrible spring was.  You say you remember, but you really don’t.  You have forgotten about the several May snowstorms, the shoveling, the constant wind, icy roads, suicidal thoughts, anger, despair, glimmers of hope that were dashed by more snow, no baseball field open until June, constant rain changing to snow, no flowers until mid June, cars in the ditch on May 17th, school closings in May, ice still on most northern lakes at opener, no leaves on the trees, no golf until almost May, need I go on.  We must remember otherwise how does one remain angry. If you forget you find peace and who really wants that?  Never forget

I have been working the lunch coverage at an Elementary School in New Prague all this week. I know I know, netflix and the couch miss me.  I have these observations:

  Kindergarten:  Cute little kids that will hug you without warning and haven’t a care in the world. Mostly confused about what to do and can’t wait for recess. The blue lines on the floor are their for them to follow.

1st grade:  Pretty much like Kindergarten kids, but with a little more savvy and smarts about which garbage can to put your milk carton in at lunch time and how to get places without following all the blue lines.

2nd grade:  Starting to worry about what’s cool, but still mostly a semi-smart and sophisticated 1st grader. still dressing funny and not combing their hair, but getting a little better. Less red shorts and maroon T-shirts as their 1st grade counterparts

3rd grade: Spend most of your time hopeful the 5th graders don’t see you with Ketchup on your chin, this is where behavior turns from cute to somewhat correctional, the devious side is starting cross the 50/50 threshold, Less cute smiles and more dirty looks. Embarrased if talked to by a teacher.

4th grade:  Absolutely will not look you in the eye and they must avoid all adult contact at any cost, being cool is the only objective and it is a full time job, grooming is starting to get better and half of the boys actually match and have combed their hair. The girls have reached the low 90% area of matching and combing, some even shower in the morning at this grade level

5th grade:  Less stress as you can now boss around everyone underneath you for one year, The king of the Jungle and could cares less about what anyone else thinks. Only the Kindergarten kids rival the 5th graders in being self-absorbed, behavior is definately correctional and not cute and will only continue to trend that way for the next 10 years.

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