Is it the Squirrel, the chipmunk, or the rabbit?

I’m not sure which furry little creature that dwells in my backyard is the culprit, but one of them is destroying our flower pots. As Most of you know, I do not have a problem disappearing certain species of animals if they are causing problems. I’m not one of those liberals who would stop a skyscraper from being built because a mosquito that was almost extinct lived there. I would realize that they offer no real value and build away. As of right now however, I cannot be certain which glorified rodent is causing my flower pot problems. Is it the squirrel, the chipmunk, or the rabbit? I have no problem erasing most chipmunks as they seem the least valuable and cuddly and they test the pellet gun shooting skill a little more than a rabbit or squirrel. The squirrel and rabbit feel more like they have to be caught red handed to justify homicide, as they have the ability to be cute and both technically have hunting seasons. Offering value to their little rodent lives that the chipmunk is not afforded by the DNR, as I have never heard of a chipmunk season or of anyone eating the over-sized mouse for dinner. I spent a bit of time observing this morning and was unable to catch the little shit in the act. I decided at this point, I would start eliminating chipmunks until evidence came to light that some other animal was to blame. At that point, I would then eliminate the chipmunk and whatever was really destroying the flower pots. In any case, mistakes made against the chipmunk would be chalked up to casualties of a greater war and everyone knows war is hell, especially when you are a chipmunk.

Jen and I have basically sold 2 houses together in our lives. We sold them both before we had children or at least children that could walk and destroy every god damn thing in their path. My memory of those experiences was very positive. There was a little stress, but not overwhelming in the least. We held open houses for 2 weekends and boom both houses sold at full asking price and we never paid a realtor. It was magical. 2 days of cleaning, maybe 3 and we were ready to sell. Nobody had destroyed door hinges, dented walls, chipped paint, or generally mangled either of our last 2 houses. We didn’t have to “stage” either one of those houses. I remember being told to make the bed and pickup my underwear, but it was nothing like this past month. I have seen more weird looking pillows and colorful shit that sits on tables, and rugs we never had when I lived here come through the door than I can every recall. The pictures of my life disappeared off the wall and were replaced by neutral looking artwork. I’m just glad pictures of my family with a better looking dad weren’t inserted in their place I guess. I cleaned every mark off the wall and door, every carpet, bathroom, drawer, cupboard, ceiling. light switch, well you get the picture. I cleaned for weeks and was told it still isn’t ready. So I cleaned for a couple more weeks and was told it’s close but in order to get pictures it has to be perfect. So finally, after 5 weeks of cleaning and fixing, we were ready to take pictures and list our house on the magical MLS and the wonder website Zillow.

It’ been listed for almost 3 weeks now. The real pain in the ass has begun. Now the little mutants who I battle on a daily basis must be controlled at all times. Someone could want a “showing” at any time and we must always be on guard and at the ready. I currently have 3 human beings I live with, that never touch a dirty dish, never throw out a piece of mail, never put an article of clothing in a drawer after it’s been washed, or put a pair of shoes anywhere but in front of the nearest door. Luckily for me I’m skinny now, because there are plenty of times I have to turn sideways to get in the door because a shoe is right behind it. The stress is constant, the worry about where we will live is never ending. I finally banned looking at houses because it’s useless until we sell ours. You fall in love with the perfect 2 story on the corner, only to have some other family house your house. It’s painful and isn’t something you should put yourself through more than once. It cannot last much longer or I should say I cannot last much longer. Rain is your enemy. It destroys freshly washed windows and doors and deck furniture. Obsessively going to every hour is not healthy.It consumes your every thought all day long and is not a healthy way to live.

You have all waited a long time for it and I haven’t talked about him for a long time, but I have confirmed a sighting of the HALF-TAILED SQUIRREL. He lives a peaceful life in Bemidji, Minnesota on the lake. I will post a Zapruder like picture I took of him this past weekend, later. You can’t really make it out, but trust me it was him or a distant cousin for sure. Although I was up north so no cousin is really too distant up there if you know what I mean. I had been drinking (I was up north), but it was before noon, so I was mostly sober still. He seemed well and I was happy for him. I imagined a Disney like trip he must have taken from Elko to Bemidji, where he met other squirrels in Elk River, St. Cloud and Brainerd as he made his way north. Escaping danger and making friends on his way to his new home. They crossed mountains, paddled across rivers on boats made of tree bark, narrowly escaped a pack of wolves, lost each other and then found each other, all to deliver the half tailed squirrel to his new home on Lake Bemidji, that Or the little shit nested in my engine and jumped out when we got there, either way he’s safe. Which is more than I can say for my horse friend on my walking route.

I take a walk most mornings and on that walk at the half way point is a horse. He’s in a fenced in area near the Elko bars. The first few months he would ignore me and then we slowly became friends. He then started to stop whatever he was doing and come greet me everyday I would walk by. I started posting pictures of me with the horse, as kind of a cute–look I have a friend moment. Shortly after I took the first picture, the little shit bit my finger, stepped back and showed me all of his teeth, and then laughed like only a horse could laugh. I swore at him and he walked away. He ignored me for a few days after that and I hurled insults at him for a few days and then we both got over it and made up. It was never really the same but we were rebuilding the relationship and then today it all changed. I rounded the corner to where I could see his little pasture area and being the shitty detective I am I noticed nothing until I was almost up to where the fence was. Then it dawned on me–there was no horse–there was no fence– he was gone. No note, no teary goodbyes, no love bites, nothing. I imagine a scout from Canterbury walked by and recruited him for a big derby this weekend or one of his kids won a race and his stud value went higher than that of a horse penned up next to the Elko bars, but more likely your dog will be chewing on him tonight. I will miss him.

I went golfing with my son yesterday. A father should get to be a better golfer than his son for longer than 13 years. I think I can still beat him, only because I am slightly smarter than him still, but I only have 1 arm and the flexibility of a 45 year old. He’s out-driving me already. we are close, but who am I kidding, it’s a matter of weeks before it’s not even close. He golfs all the time and I think I could take him if I golfed that much, but it’ almost over. I hate him for that. I wish I was as flexible as a 13 year old and everything didn’t hurt for 3 days after I golf 18 holes. The beauty of a young golf swing is awesome to watch. The ball flies straight, there is no sweeping hook. He doesn’t have to play it out over the water to the left, so it can sweep back onto the fairway and then run off the into the woods on the right side, all 210 yards away. Hit as hard as one can swing the club. Luckily for old people, golf does still require patience and thought, and that is our only weapon against 13 year olds. Length and hitting straight will win out, but I think I have 1 year left where I can hang with him. It’s not fair really.

I really really miss Vegas, someone buy my house please, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton–Shame on you Merica, It is really a sad day for this country when that is all we can come up with, it’s not funny anymore, baseball is almost over, Allie’s team has won every tournament game and all 3 tournaments they have played in so far this season, including a trip to Kansas City-GO LIGHTNING!!, State Baseball Tournament in Lakeville this weekend 10am and 3pm friday at King Park if you want to come watch the boys we would love to have fans, I still need a job if anyone is hiring, I want Delta to hire me, but nobody ever gets back to me, its frustrating, I miss Johnny Cash sometimes, I like top 40 music, how sad is that, big brother is back on my TV, there are 3 huge Tom turkeys looking at me through the window at work right now–it’s pretty cool, I’ve lost 60 pounds–I think it’s time to live again, but stay at this weight, I miss pizza, and I like beer too much, less than a month until i get to spend a week with Jen’s family–yes I mean that, I am excited and I love reunion week, I’m happy that the squirrel lives, I wish Andy wouldn’t ignore me so much, I want to be a cool kid once, little pictures have big ears, I need time with Keith Peterson soon–Jackie make that happen please, goodbye horse with no name, summer is half over–how horrible is that to imagine, hockey will start soon and my boy is going to get checked this year-he’s skinny and doesn’t know it, it could get ugly, there are not enough girls playing hockey, it makes me sad, girls that play hockey are the coolest girls, the best part of selling your house is that it’s always clean-that part is really awesome, EVERYTHING else sucks. Call me if you want to buy a house or you have a job for me, enjoy your last 4 weeks of summer, those of you with boys on the baseball team, this is easily the coolest group of boys I have ever coached. They are all awesome, those of you without boys on this team–these kids are awesome–come cheer them on if you are in Lakeville this weekend:)

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