Holy shit, hotels have fitness centers–who knew. I always thought Jen was running off to some guys room when she said she was going to work out when we were at a hotel. She always came back in a happier mood so who was I to argue. Turns out she was actually going to the fitness center. I actually used it several times on my exciting trip to Fargo this past weekend. I came back 7 pounds heavier than when I left, so I think this one might have been a broken fitness center. It also might have been the beer and chicken wings, but if I blame them that doesn’t seem right, so I will stick with blaming the fitness center.
It also turns out that you cannot lose weight while starving yourself. Jen tells me this after I stalled for about 2 weeks. My immediate reaction was for her to tell that to a Jew in 1943 Germany, but it does appear to be true. It’s a whole science thing, but I guess you don’t burn fat when you eat only 800 calories a day. So lucky me, I get to eat more. Unlucky me, it still can’t be doughnuts and chocolate. Now I have to try and come up with more things I can eat that are chicken or fish or fruit or vegetables or some other shit that is “whole foods” whatever that means. Whatever it means, I know it ain’t at the drive through or a gas station and it’s expensive and takes time to make. This shit ain’t easy you know. Getting fat was much easier and WAY more fun.
I decided the other day to try a workout video with Jen. She was doing 10 minute abs and I thought–“shit I can do anything for 10 minutes” It’s 3 days later and I’m still feeling my session of 3 minute abs. My back hurts and is making a weird cracking noise every time I take a step and I can’t bend over without wanting to punch someone. I’m also kind of sick of this working for a week to lose 7 pounds only to have it all come back because I have 8 beers. That’s not fair. Christmas and New Year’s is also a really stupid time to be on a weight loss mission. I do allow myself to live so don’t go all crazy on me. I have had unbelievable discipline throughout this 4 months though and I never knew I had it in me, so that has been kind of cool. I just think you shouldn’t gain 7 pounds in a weekend in Fargo when you go the “fitness center” twice a day and have shrimp tacos and salad instead of the fucking Bacon cheeseburger and fries I really wanted. It’s way too harsh of a penalty and makes a guy just want to be a lazy fat ass instead, but that wasn’t working out all that well either I guess.
last fitness bit I swear. I received a fit bit and a fit bit scale for Christmas. Seems like Jen was trying to make a point doesn’t it? The motivation I receive from this thing is exactly what I needed though. It measures my steps, miles, calories burned, floors, and active minutes. Each one has a goal to reach for the day and when I reach the goal for the day, it turns them all green. I get great satisfaction each day when I have turned them all green and can be heard each time saying “all green baby” It is now my favorite time of the day. The thing also measures my heart rate and amount of time asleep. It tells me how many times I’m awake/restless during the night. Which has been far less with my new “my pillow” BEST PILLOW EVER!!!
Best pillow ever that was also a gift on the best Christmas ever. I felt like I was 10 years old. Everything I wanted and more was delivered. There is a nativity scene on my piano that I have to set up and take down every year because it has styrofoam and my wife won’t touch it. I hate that stuff too, but I love her. I JUST BOOKED VEGAS FOR FEBRUARY!!! I’m so excited as I have never been and I’ve heard it’s pretty neat Packer fans are sore losers. I made a $10 bet in September at 35-1 on the Vikings to win the Super Bowl. Today, at the start of the playoffs, the Vikings are 30-1 to win the Super Bowl. How unfair is that shit. There were 30 other teams that had a chance back then and now their are only 11 other teams and the odds are almost the same. Gambling seems to be so unfair. My dad is coming with to Vegas this time. I’m really excited to have him there so I have someone to watch my mom as she can get a little crazy in Vegas. Just kidding mom, but I am excited to have him along so him and I can do some stuff together. I hope to get him on the roller coaster at New York New York as my mom has no interest and I know he would love it.
So all of my dreams came true this year as I spent my New Year’s Eve in Fargo. I was in the lovely mountainous city by the Sea for a hockey tournament with Allie. We didn’t fare all that well as we went 1-3 for the weekend, but we had a great time and I think the girls enjoyed themselves. I have really enjoyed being around all of the girls Allie plays with. They are an unbelievable tough group of young ladies that are going to put the hammer down on unsuspecting boys everywhere for the next few years.
I promised the girls I would throw my hat on the ice if any of them got a hat trick and sure enough Greta got one in our last game. I tried to not make a big deal out of it, and I dropped my hat on the ice next to the door and had 1 of the girls quickly retrieve it. It was a show of support for the awesome achievement of one of our girls. I step off the ice and this redneck mom from the other team walks up to me and says “keep your hat on next time” I just looked at her and said “way to keep it classy, now start walking” I spent most of the ride home pissed off about it and I guess I still am. It’s a hockey tradition. I didn’t sling it out in the middle of the ice, I dropped it over the boards for 8 seconds in a show of support for one of my players. LIGHTEN UP FRANCIS. We were playing West Fargo who spent the whole game slashing our girls to tears. They even had 1 future Orange is the New Black character who would turn and cross-check one of our poor girls every time the puck was dropped. She didn’t care what happened on the face-off, she would turn and cross-check her. I finally told her to just skate away from her when the puck was dropped. I watched the next faceoff and the girl chased her for about 6 strides and then gave up, it was hilarious.
Jen and Justin spent their New Year’s at the Edina tournament while Allie and I were in Fargo. I actually stayed and watched his game New Year’s Eve night and then drove to Fargo. I’m glad I did as he scored a hat trick. His team lost a barn burner 11-7 in which they trailed 9-2 at one point. they made it 9-7 but couldn’t finish. The 5 goals against in 2 minutes didn’t help their situation at all. They then got to wake up and be at the rink at 730am New Year’s day (NICE PLANNING EDINA) they also kindly scheduled us for an ass-whooping from the hosts as Edina pasted our boys 12-1. They did go 2-2 for the tournament with wins over Coon Rapids and Chaska, so not all bad. I’m ready for baseball
Allie’s team lost to the Canadians, I hate losing to Canadians. The Canadian World Junior team failed miserably–that made me happy. The Russians beat us again, which sucked but at least we finished ahead of the Canadians. The Vikings finished ahead of the Packers, My soccer team is atop the English Premier League on New Years, If they won the title it would mean as much as the Vikings winning a Super Bowl, that is weird to say, Hunting season is over and I never shot a duck, that is weird to say, I love love love watching my kids play hockey, I am a nervous wreck when Justin is pitching–it is why I know what it’s like to be a goalie parent, it doesn’t matter that the 2nd baseman booted 3 routine ground balls as everyone just remembers who was pitching, same as it doesn’t matter that some kid playing defense was asleep and let a kid come in on a breakaway and score on the goaltender- people only remember the goalie didn’t stop it. It is what it is, but it’s stupid. Trump and Hillary are still around, Squirrel.