Happy Birthday to me

It’s my birthday and I am currently sitting at work doing as little as possible and writing this blog thingy. Facebook can make you feel like you actually have friends, when a message pops up saying 67 people have wished you happy birthday. I know I really don’t, but it can temporarily make you feel better about yourself I guess. My son failed to say Happy Birthday to me today. He did however proceed to hang up on me after telling me I was the meanest dad ever, so I got that going for me. It’s good to be loved on your birthday and be at work on your birthday–that’s cool too.

This message is for those of you that think it’s cool to drive with your dog, cat, ferret, parakeet, hampster, etc. on your lap, I swear to god if you kill me I will find you in the afterlife and kill you a 2nd time. Dogs are not lap companions when you are driving. They do stupid shit like bark at squirrels and shadows and other random dumb ass things. A brainless hazard like that should not be in your lap while you are talking on your cell phone driving a car. We know you love your dog and that’s cute(not really–it’s somewhat pathetic) just leave it at home or in the backseat or in a kennel in the backseat.

This leads me to my next problem on the road. Spring is almost here so the crazy health nuts known as bikers will be back out on the road. I’m talking the pedal bikes people, not the real bikes with motors kind. You know the pedal kind that all 4-12 year olds ride everyday. I am sick and tired of these fools riding on roads meant for cars. Every liberal politician in the world has petitioned for government money to be spent on bike paths to nowhere every 2 miles in this state and these knuckleheads need to ride on the side of busy roads. Not only that, they ride right next to the white line. Not 5 feet over on the shoulder, but right up against the white line. They all have crappy attitudes. They actually think they have some right to the road. CARS HAVE A RIGHT TO THE ROAD. You and your transportation for 5 year olds has a right to the BIKE path, not the highway. It is not your right, it is not constitutionally protected, and it’s pathetic that people will have to clean you off the shoulder when some poor unsuspecting motorist runs into you because you are on the road meant for CARS.

That makes me think of something else too. We spend a lot of money on things I think are stupid, yet it takes years and years for a stadium to get built for any sports team. I don’t care if there are bike paths, yet I get no say when public money is used for them. There is useless money for Arts, oil executives, auto executives, schools, social programs, and so so many more. I don’t get a say in any of them, but everyone gets a say in my issue of importance. Government sucks, football rocks, nobody gets to improve their lives, football rocks, corruption is rampant, just build my stadiums when it’s time and off your high horse already. It’s Saturday night and we’re in the spot–Don’t beleive me

why do they sell watches anymore? Why does fleet farm stick a cart in every one of their aisles blocking all exits from the store. It drives me bananas. You are forced to squeeze past the person checking out. What are they stopping us from. What is the point of blocking all the exits? Isn’t it a fire hazard? I’m ready to boycott the store soon if they don’t stop it. I have a harder time than some squeezing just so you know. I wouldn’t be nearly as whiny a little bitch if winter ended on March 10th every year. I would still be one just not as big a one.

I wonder if they sell much hand lotion near the ocean. There were several times in the weeks before we left for Florida that I wanted to fill the bathtub with lotion and dive in. I couldn’t stop itching and I mean full body itches. I spent way too much time standing next to the wall corner and running my back across it. My wife has ADHD and when I ask her to scratch my back it lasts for maybe 10 seconds, so it’s just easier to find other ways. We landed in Florida and immediately it all went away. Moisture in the air what a concept. 70% of the world is covered by water, the other 30% is covered by Fred Smoot.

So my twice a year torture known as the Bachelor started and ended since my last blog. It means I cannot enter the bedroom until after 1130 on Monday night or risk having to listen to this pathetic nonsense. It is easily the worst/most pathetic thing on television. The show is the same thing over and over again. There is one crazy one who he just won’t get rid of, there’s one that says she loves him on the third day, one needs to go home to the child she never should have left to pursue her selfish little fantasy, one is a virgin if you believe in that sort of thing, and then there is one evil one there just to further her acting/photograpy career. Same scenario EVERY SINGLE SEASON, yet they gobble it up twice a year for almost 15 years with 1 single solitary success story to show for it. The epic line from this one came right away. These lucky 12 starlets got to go to one of the most exciting places in the world—THE BLACK HILLS– yep not Paris, or Rome or Sydney— they all got to travel to the Black hills of South Dakota–No shit. Then this bachelor farmer from Iowa proceeds to let this one go–“The black hills is the perfect place to fall in love” No you hick it’s not. It’s the perfect place to have a breakfast at Perkins with your 4 kids before you saunter off to see the faces of dead presidents, or some stupid amusement park that is overpriced, but it absolutely is not “the perfect place to fall in love”. You want to fall in love–go to Bali, or Paris or some vineyard in Italy–NOT SOUTH DAKOTA. Don’t get me wrong I loved the Black hills and the dead presidents and amusement parks and hell even the Perkins, I just don’t endorse it as a romantic getaway.

Baseball and Soccer have begun, spring is near, it’s my birthday and in honor of Rob Schroedl, whom I miss, I turned Chuck Foreman today. I get to hang out with the Petersons, Schaefers and Otrembas this weekend, that makes for a good weekend. 3 of my favorite couples on 3 consecutive nights/days. Life is good sometimes and it’s even better with a Surly–I should write ads I think. Anyone who has any job suggestions and can fill my large checklist of things that “just don’t work for me/Jen” let me know. Seriously I need work, but I don’t know what I want to be now that I’m grown up. I want to work from home mostly, I want the ability to not work on a lot of days, I want the ability to take extended vacations when my wife wants me to, I need to be able to be home when my kids are off school, or sick or something. I promise I’ll work hard when I’m there and I really am full of good ideas, I just have a lot of interests. I’M GOING TO VEGAS IN A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST WATCH!!!

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