How long would your kids survive?

After years of observing my first born and his behavior, I decided the other day that he would live for about a week if left on his own. They would find him dead on the basement floor in front of the TV clutching a video game controller. He would forget to eat or drink anything and that would ultimately be his demise, but the torture heaped on those around him would be unbearable. He spent 3 days at a friend’s cabin, and in that time he wore the same clothes he had on when sent there, the whole time. His suitcase that his mother took the time to pack for him was untouched. He does claim he brushed his teeth, I don’t believe him. Yes- Same underwear, same socks. He hasn’t thrown away a piece of garbage on his own yet, he rarely showers unless ordered too, he eats only when reminded, he drinks about as regularly as a camel, He has attempted clothes washing under his mother’s supervision(It taught him zero). He would shrivel up and die I’m convinced. The only thing that might save him would be if someone from the school noticed how bad he stunk and did a welfare check at home. He is going to need a girlfriend the day he arrives at college to help him focus on looking and smelling like a human.

Allie would live much longer. She would last about 2 hours alone and she would run next door to the Butts’ house where Gretchen would welcome her in and they would live happily ever after doing all the girl things Gretchen has not been able to do with her boys.

My poor boy learned a valuable lesson the other day. Girls are evil, was the lesson he learned. It’s one lesson, I told him, he will continually be taught, in new and creative ways for the rest of his life, but for reasons he doesn’t quite understand, the pain and suffering is all worth it. He has informed us of a girl he’s had his eye on the past few weeks at school. He says she has been talking to him and he thinks he has a shot. He came home yesterday and said her friend asked him today if he was going to ask her out. He mumbled a few things back while looking at his shoelaces was about the only answer I could get out of him. His mother and I encouraged him, saying if her friend is saying that, she probably likes you. “You should go for it”. Well the little glutton went for it today and got flat out rejected. What twisted 12 year old girl sends the posse out on a boy fact finding mission and then pounces on the unsuspecting boy when he does what was asked of him by the scout. It’s a tough lesson, but one every 12 year old boy must endure at least a dozen more times. I didn’t tell him that part. In today’s world they probably filmed it all

The other day I shut the same light off in the bedroom closet 4 times in less than a half hour
Why don’t children flush toilets?
Why is a tie in tic tack toe called cat?

When I was a kid, my father, in an attempt to entice his boys into eating the crust on their toast, would tell us it puts hair on your chest. I wonder several things about this. Firstly, does he know what to eat to put hair on top of my head? Answer–no he is bald. Secondly, what am I eating that puts hair in my ears and nose? It must be something I didn’t eat when I was in my teens or twenties. I’m thinking that toast crust must take on even more powers in your late 30’s. It starts putting hair not only on your chest, but in your ears, nose, and back. I think the crust must take it from the top of your head.

The other day I watched two guys grab a 12 pack of bud light from the cooler in a gas station. The first thought I had was, how bad is your life that you are buying bud light from a gas station across the street from a liquor store? You people in Wisconsin keep quiet–we all know your gas station beer is real and if you had it your way it would just come out of the gas nozzle. Minnesota gas station and grocery store beer isn’t real beer, yet I guess some people actually buy it there. Even though there is a liquor store across the street, as in this case.

We got an email the other night that a couple of girls in a group of people that Allie has been in contact with have found lice in their hair.
For the next 24 hours every part of my body itched from head to toe. Jen made it better by stating the obvious about a lack of hair for them to nest in, but I was convinced they would find their way into my ear hair or nose hair or even what little bit is on top still. I had the same reaction when anyone near me finds a tick on them. I am convinced for the next 24 hours that I have ticks or lice or whatever.

I decided I need to lose weight. I know it seems obvious. I started looking at options of ways to go about it. I have yet to find a magazine article titled “The best craft beer diets”. They all say you can’t eat good stuff or drink beer. What the hell am I supposed to eat or drink? They shouldn’t be called diets, they should be called cruel and unusual punishments. I am still grappling with how to go about this and what I can do about the beer dilemma.

Please tell me if there is anything stranger than killing in the name of whomever is your god, seems kind of ungodly, If Mitt Romney runs again I will campaign against him, not for anyone else, just against him. I don’t understand ice fishing, it’s been too many weeks since I had a beer on Friday night in someone’s garage, I miss you Andy, Rob, and Tom. I would say Kyle too, but he doesn’t have the facebook so he wouldn’t know I said it. The Wild are ruining my chance to grow a playoff beard even before the playoffs start, Chris Christie kind of looks like a bobber, This winter hasn’t been as bad as the last two, but I still hate this place.

The hockey update. My little peanut is having a wonderful time with her team. They had a successful run through the Fargo tournament, going 3-1 and only losing to the dirty little cheaters from Edina. Allie scored a couple of goals opening night and then shut er down for the weekend. Always keep em wanting more, that’s her motto. She is coming along nicely and has learned a ton this year already. They are currently the 4th ranked U10A team in the state–Yes someone actually ranks 10 year old girls hockey teams. They knocked off #1 two weeks ago in a rip roaring good game. On the road no less–kids could care less where games are played, and in youth hockey where you play is a NON-FACTOR.

Justin’s team has been on a great run the past 3 weeks. Strangely, It coincides with his dad appearing in practice and on the bench more often. Coincidence–I think not:) I needed the boys to win a few when I was on the bench filling in, as they had lost the first 3 times I helped out. I was beginning to think I was jinxing them. They have beat two top #20 teams and tied #8 in the past 2 weeks, as well as having a 3-1 weekend in Detroit Lakes bringing home a well earned 2nd place trophy. Their only loss coming to a Canadian team(painful to admit) that basically had 1 player on it. He scored 24 goals in the 4 games and we held him to 4 in our 6-5 loss. We went down 5-2 at one point and I was afraid the boys might pack it in, but our brilliant leader called time out and gave a speech that Herb Brooks would have been proud of and our boys rallied with 3 goals in 3 minutes and it was game on. Justin had a blast with his team and even finally matched his jersey number with a hat trick in a 3-2 win over Bemidji in the semi-finals. The parents had a good time as well in Detroit Lakes and our Manager Janice did an exceptional job of making sure the meeting room was always stocked.

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