I have officially had it, this place is just STUPID

I’m no weather man, but let me give it a shot at the repeating forecast for the crap hole known as Minnesota.

Day 1

High 7

Low -3

This one isn’t too bad in our crummy state.  The wind will blow and it will feel like shit, but it will no doubt be one of the best days of the week.  Wash your car and do your shopping because this is probably the only day you or the kids will actually leave the house.

Day 2

High 0

Low -13

The wind will slowly pick up to about 15, it will lightly start to snow. about 2-4 inches worth.  Just enough to screw up the roads right at rush hour and make your sorry ass shovel right when the wind chill hits about -25.

Day 3

High -6

Low -19

Here is where the fun part of the pattern starts, the 2 days where it never reaches 0.  Your car hates you, you don’t leave the house for anything but emergencies.  School is cancelled and your children pester you all day about what to do.  They are as sick of you as you are of them.  It’s too cold to play outside and it’s too cold to drive them to anyone’s house. You’ve played every stupid game you have in the house and every dumb movie has been watched 3 times.  You now wish every Disney show character a slow death as you’ve seen every episode of every show 5 times.  Dogs don’t have blogs kids, you have to be smarter than a dog to have a blog.  Oh, I forgot to mention the windchill–it will be somewhere between -40 and -60, those numbers shouldn’t be humanly possible, but they are in our wonderful state–lucky us. It’s stupid cold

Day 4

high -2

Low -14

only slightly less shitty than the day before.  You will start to feel like you will live through it. You can now unlock the guns as you can once again safely be around yourself.  The windchill will still be around -30, but if you stand behind your car it will feel suprisingly ok.  The kids still won’t be in school the soft little punks.  You have a tremendous urge to send them outside no matter the weather and see if you can toughen them up.  Hopeful that a neighbor sees them outside and invites them in for awhile. Your car is white and nasty and so is your jacket from rubbing against it, but you can’t wash it because it would freeze like a deer in the headlights. It starts to change here, not necessarily for the better but it does change.

Day 5

High 8

Low-2

It’s still cold for most humans that don’t live in a torture chamber, but for us it’s a heat wave. You once again may wash your car. The kids would go back to school, but it’s end of the quarter or teacher rest day or presidents day or some other dumb reason they were already scheduled for.  You set the hockey skates outside the front door, feed them breakfast and tell them they are not allowed back in until their fingertips are white or it’s lunchtime.  whichever comes 2nd. You may have looked out the window and saw another human outside of their house for the first time this week, that was not just rushing to their mailbox.

 

Day 6

High 22

Low  7

Wash your car, it’s the weekend so the damn kids are still around, build a snowman in the fresh 3-6 inches of snow, nervously drive on the unplowed roads to hockey practice, shovel, the wind is actually under 10mph, make stupid statements like “it’s nice outside”, go ice fishing, etc. This is the day we reach the peak of stupidity in my opinion.  We actually fool ourselves into thinking this isn’t that bad of a place after all.

Day 7

High 11

Low -1

One “nice” day was enough I guess.  The wind picks back up, it snows another 2 inches just to let you know that it’s not 25 below zero. You can’t have a day without snow, wind, or -25 degree temperatures, you might smile and we can’t have that now can we.

 

This is actually how the forecast has looked since the end of November. If it’s not below zero, it’s snowing.  The roads are horrible, it freezing cold, and the wind is always blowing.  The kids are all now a grade behind. I need happy pills.  Enough about the weather.

 

The gophers won the innaugural Star of the North trophy last night. It made me remember how much I despise North Star stuff. They are gone, quit buying the T-shirts and hats. I know the name Wild is stupid and I wish we were the North Stars, but your shirt really isn’t that cool anymore. It just makes me hate the name Wild more that’s all. They are gone and not coming back, deal with it.

My mom and dad made it to Texas, no radiation or anything for mom, it looks like she’s in the clear. We had an awesome trip to Vegas and off she went.  There was snow south of Dallas, so I guess it’s not just us.  It will be gone tomorrow, so no Texas you don’t get any sympathy from me.  If I was a deer, I would run in front of a semi.

We lost to Lakeville North last night 5-1. We are better than them.  I don’t think most 10 year olds understand what a rivalry is.  They were not fired up at all. I wonder when playing your rival will matter. I yelled alot tonight trying to channel my inner Zemlak–it didn’t work.  Justin scored the goal, that was the only good thing that happened all night. Let’s hope they play better tommorrow. Allie’s team lost 8-7 to Inver Grove. Great game and lots of fun to watch. She is battling a cold so she was a little off her game, but they played great.  Edina tomorrow, let’s hope we beat the evil green giant.

I wonder what tow truck drivers in San Diego do all day without 500 cars in the ditch to pull out every other day.  I am guessing they may be busy towing impounded drug dealers cars, but I’m not sure. Snow melting when it’s 22 outside is so ironic. All it does is make the roads wet and the car in front of you sprays your windshield, but when you try to wash it off, the washer fluid freezes to your windshield. Either that, or you wiper blade is frozen an inch higher than you windshield so you have to stop and bang it free in order to see clearly the misery you live in. This place is awful. Snow on May 16th and now this winter,  I’m not doing well. The last time we had a winter like this, we apparantly had one of our warmest summers ever.  So now none of us will be able to go outside in July either. It’s like a prison and I am now 42 years and 10 months into a 60 year sentence, I wonder what my crime was.  It had to be bad.

The snow leading up to the grill is untouched by squirrel feet for about 2 weeks, or since the day I decided enough was enough. I think they may be able to learn from the mistakes of their friends.  Who knew that all I had to do was ring a BB off one of them and they would all be watching so closely and take notice of my seriousness.  My grill is now safe even though I may never be able to go outside the house to use it again.  Did I mention Al Gore is an IDIOT, it’s 48 in Anchorage, I miss my wife and she’s only been gone 1 day. I miss cigars and beers in the garage with the neighborhood boys club. It’s too cold and I’m always in a hockey arena. 4 inches of snow overnight and strong winds all day tommorrow says the weather guy, then the temperature plummets overnight sunday to -21 and a windchill of around -50. AWESOME–anybody want 2 cute kids on Monday. Can I go to Vegas please, actually I need a beach in front of unfrozen water and not for a week, it needs to be for the rest of my life. Sinkholes can’t happen when the ground is frozen,

Oh and for good measure, some jerkoff hacked my verizon account online yesterday and went and bought himself 3 iphones and disabled 4 of the lines on my account. No I’m not a drug dealer, my parents have their phones on my account and so is our home phone. that’s why I have 5 phones.  Bad people suck, I blame Target.

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