Is it the Squirrel, the chipmunk, or the rabbit?

I’m not sure which furry little creature that dwells in my backyard is the culprit, but one of them is destroying our flower pots. As Most of you know, I do not have a problem disappearing certain species of animals if they are causing problems. I’m not one of those liberals who would stop a skyscraper from being built because a mosquito that was almost extinct lived there. I would realize that they offer no real value and build away. As of right now however, I cannot be certain which glorified rodent is causing my flower pot problems. Is it the squirrel, the chipmunk, or the rabbit? I have no problem erasing most chipmunks as they seem the least valuable and cuddly and they test the pellet gun shooting skill a little more than a rabbit or squirrel. The squirrel and rabbit feel more like they have to be caught red handed to justify homicide, as they have the ability to be cute and both technically have hunting seasons. Offering value to their little rodent lives that the chipmunk is not afforded by the DNR, as I have never heard of a chipmunk season or of anyone eating the over-sized mouse for dinner. I spent a bit of time observing this morning and was unable to catch the little shit in the act. I decided at this point, I would start eliminating chipmunks until evidence came to light that some other animal was to blame. At that point, I would then eliminate the chipmunk and whatever was really destroying the flower pots. In any case, mistakes made against the chipmunk would be chalked up to casualties of a greater war and everyone knows war is hell, especially when you are a chipmunk.

Jen and I have basically sold 2 houses together in our lives. We sold them both before we had children or at least children that could walk and destroy every god damn thing in their path. My memory of those experiences was very positive. There was a little stress, but not overwhelming in the least. We held open houses for 2 weekends and boom both houses sold at full asking price and we never paid a realtor. It was magical. 2 days of cleaning, maybe 3 and we were ready to sell. Nobody had destroyed door hinges, dented walls, chipped paint, or generally mangled either of our last 2 houses. We didn’t have to “stage” either one of those houses. I remember being told to make the bed and pickup my underwear, but it was nothing like this past month. I have seen more weird looking pillows and colorful shit that sits on tables, and rugs we never had when I lived here come through the door than I can every recall. The pictures of my life disappeared off the wall and were replaced by neutral looking artwork. I’m just glad pictures of my family with a better looking dad weren’t inserted in their place I guess. I cleaned every mark off the wall and door, every carpet, bathroom, drawer, cupboard, ceiling. light switch, well you get the picture. I cleaned for weeks and was told it still isn’t ready. So I cleaned for a couple more weeks and was told it’s close but in order to get pictures it has to be perfect. So finally, after 5 weeks of cleaning and fixing, we were ready to take pictures and list our house on the magical MLS and the wonder website Zillow.

It’ been listed for almost 3 weeks now. The real pain in the ass has begun. Now the little mutants who I battle on a daily basis must be controlled at all times. Someone could want a “showing” at any time and we must always be on guard and at the ready. I currently have 3 human beings I live with, that never touch a dirty dish, never throw out a piece of mail, never put an article of clothing in a drawer after it’s been washed, or put a pair of shoes anywhere but in front of the nearest door. Luckily for me I’m skinny now, because there are plenty of times I have to turn sideways to get in the door because a shoe is right behind it. The stress is constant, the worry about where we will live is never ending. I finally banned looking at houses because it’s useless until we sell ours. You fall in love with the perfect 2 story on the corner, only to have some other family house your house. It’s painful and isn’t something you should put yourself through more than once. It cannot last much longer or I should say I cannot last much longer. Rain is your enemy. It destroys freshly washed windows and doors and deck furniture. Obsessively going to every hour is not healthy.It consumes your every thought all day long and is not a healthy way to live.

You have all waited a long time for it and I haven’t talked about him for a long time, but I have confirmed a sighting of the HALF-TAILED SQUIRREL. He lives a peaceful life in Bemidji, Minnesota on the lake. I will post a Zapruder like picture I took of him this past weekend, later. You can’t really make it out, but trust me it was him or a distant cousin for sure. Although I was up north so no cousin is really too distant up there if you know what I mean. I had been drinking (I was up north), but it was before noon, so I was mostly sober still. He seemed well and I was happy for him. I imagined a Disney like trip he must have taken from Elko to Bemidji, where he met other squirrels in Elk River, St. Cloud and Brainerd as he made his way north. Escaping danger and making friends on his way to his new home. They crossed mountains, paddled across rivers on boats made of tree bark, narrowly escaped a pack of wolves, lost each other and then found each other, all to deliver the half tailed squirrel to his new home on Lake Bemidji, that Or the little shit nested in my engine and jumped out when we got there, either way he’s safe. Which is more than I can say for my horse friend on my walking route.

I take a walk most mornings and on that walk at the half way point is a horse. He’s in a fenced in area near the Elko bars. The first few months he would ignore me and then we slowly became friends. He then started to stop whatever he was doing and come greet me everyday I would walk by. I started posting pictures of me with the horse, as kind of a cute–look I have a friend moment. Shortly after I took the first picture, the little shit bit my finger, stepped back and showed me all of his teeth, and then laughed like only a horse could laugh. I swore at him and he walked away. He ignored me for a few days after that and I hurled insults at him for a few days and then we both got over it and made up. It was never really the same but we were rebuilding the relationship and then today it all changed. I rounded the corner to where I could see his little pasture area and being the shitty detective I am I noticed nothing until I was almost up to where the fence was. Then it dawned on me–there was no horse–there was no fence– he was gone. No note, no teary goodbyes, no love bites, nothing. I imagine a scout from Canterbury walked by and recruited him for a big derby this weekend or one of his kids won a race and his stud value went higher than that of a horse penned up next to the Elko bars, but more likely your dog will be chewing on him tonight. I will miss him.

I went golfing with my son yesterday. A father should get to be a better golfer than his son for longer than 13 years. I think I can still beat him, only because I am slightly smarter than him still, but I only have 1 arm and the flexibility of a 45 year old. He’s out-driving me already. we are close, but who am I kidding, it’s a matter of weeks before it’s not even close. He golfs all the time and I think I could take him if I golfed that much, but it’ almost over. I hate him for that. I wish I was as flexible as a 13 year old and everything didn’t hurt for 3 days after I golf 18 holes. The beauty of a young golf swing is awesome to watch. The ball flies straight, there is no sweeping hook. He doesn’t have to play it out over the water to the left, so it can sweep back onto the fairway and then run off the into the woods on the right side, all 210 yards away. Hit as hard as one can swing the club. Luckily for old people, golf does still require patience and thought, and that is our only weapon against 13 year olds. Length and hitting straight will win out, but I think I have 1 year left where I can hang with him. It’s not fair really.

I really really miss Vegas, someone buy my house please, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton–Shame on you Merica, It is really a sad day for this country when that is all we can come up with, it’s not funny anymore, baseball is almost over, Allie’s team has won every tournament game and all 3 tournaments they have played in so far this season, including a trip to Kansas City-GO LIGHTNING!!, State Baseball Tournament in Lakeville this weekend 10am and 3pm friday at King Park if you want to come watch the boys we would love to have fans, I still need a job if anyone is hiring, I want Delta to hire me, but nobody ever gets back to me, its frustrating, I miss Johnny Cash sometimes, I like top 40 music, how sad is that, big brother is back on my TV, there are 3 huge Tom turkeys looking at me through the window at work right now–it’s pretty cool, I’ve lost 60 pounds–I think it’s time to live again, but stay at this weight, I miss pizza, and I like beer too much, less than a month until i get to spend a week with Jen’s family–yes I mean that, I am excited and I love reunion week, I’m happy that the squirrel lives, I wish Andy wouldn’t ignore me so much, I want to be a cool kid once, little pictures have big ears, I need time with Keith Peterson soon–Jackie make that happen please, goodbye horse with no name, summer is half over–how horrible is that to imagine, hockey will start soon and my boy is going to get checked this year-he’s skinny and doesn’t know it, it could get ugly, there are not enough girls playing hockey, it makes me sad, girls that play hockey are the coolest girls, the best part of selling your house is that it’s always clean-that part is really awesome, EVERYTHING else sucks. Call me if you want to buy a house or you have a job for me, enjoy your last 4 weeks of summer, those of you with boys on the baseball team, this is easily the coolest group of boys I have ever coached. They are all awesome, those of you without boys on this team–these kids are awesome–come cheer them on if you are in Lakeville this weekend:)

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Bacon wrapped cheese filled amazingness!!

So while we were in Mexico, the resort we stayed at had a bacon wrapped, cheese filled, all-beef hotdog on the menu. As many of you saw, I had reached under 200 pounds for the first time in about 20 years before we left. I however was not going to miss out on one of the most amazingly beautiful hot dogs ever made. I watched several consumed all week and with great restraint I waited until lunch of my last day to order it. IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING HOT DOG EVER!! It lived up to 6 days of anticipation and nothing ever lives up to that much anticipation. Bacon, Beef, and cheese how could it not, right? I waited until right before we left for just this reason. If the damn thing tasted that awesome and I had it the first day then I would be under constant pressure to eat it every single day the rest of the trip. I actually used the restraint I had called on the past 6 months. I wish I hadn’t, I wish I would have eaten it every day. did I mention, it came with fries.

I gained 15.5 pounds on the trip. Another reason why I should have eaten several hot dogs a day. I mean really 15.5 pounds in 8 days. I went backwards a month. I have already gotten rid of 11 of them, but still. I did drink Corona light, fruity drinks, and I ate burgers, fries, and tacos. I mixed in some fish and eggs, but I enjoyed myself. It was food I hadn’t had on consecutive days for a long time and it truly was a vacation. I did drink light beer and I did almost 20,000 steps each day, I even went to the gym several times and still 15.5 pounds. It’s not right.

So we had the best travel experience ever on the way down. It started early as we had to be at the airport at 3am for a 5am flight. It’s a blast getting your kids out of bed at 2:30am. Too make our planning worse, we had a 4.5 hour layover in Charlotte. Not the best idea, but every other flight was double the cost. A little background. I can obsess about travel and the place I’m headed to. I read people’s trip reports and research a lot of different things about the destination. Vegas planning brought that out in me I guess. So I knew when we landed in Charlotte there were 2 planes going to Cancun ahead of us. One was leaving in 20 minutes after we landed. We ran through the airport and 2 amazing American Airlines employees actually didn’t say no. They got us immediately on the next plane. We landed in Cancun 5 hours early, without luggage, but 5 hours early. The airline actually delivered our luggage to the hotel that night, even though they said they couldn’t. It was amazing and unbelievable to actually have an airline do something to help a traveler have an unexpected positive experience. That brings me to my next “experience”

I have never flown first class in my life. I’m not that cool or rich. Our travel partners the Petersons were on the same plane as us coming home. Through all of Keith’s work travels he gets upgrades quite often. On the plane from Charlotte to Minneapolis he had one first class ticket which he had his son sit in. After barely making it through security in time for the flight, I get a text that Michael wanted to sit with Justin so I could have his first class seat. I had no idea at this point I was being punked, but being punked I was. I made my way to the forbidden front of the plane. The area with seats that actually are big enough for humans to sit comfortably, free food, FREE BOOZE, sophisticated conversation, beautiful people. This is where deals are made, destiny changing encounters happen. I took my seat next to a seemingly nice middle aged woman. She seemed pleasant as she sipped on a gin and tonic and she made conversation immediately. I thought this is it, she runs a multi-million dollar corporation and she’s gonna think I’m awesome and offer me a job as her Vice President of nothing. It started simple–where you from, what do you do, wife and kids?, it was all very nice. The plane climbed into the sky. I received my first drink–a cranberry vodka, she received her 3rd gin and tonic (on this flight). It was everything I had hoped for, minus the job offer so far.

She owned her own company that she started after deciding being a pilot caused her to be away from her cat too much. This was my first indication something was wrong. Her company made wraps for hanging plants. You know something to cover the green pots that come with the hanging plants, because they are ugly. I thought–you know what those things are ugly, good idea lady. I also thought–not sure if this will be a high paying position she offers me, but I need a job so I’ll take what I can get. She handed me her business card along with some business card sized drawings of her artwork from her side business as a freelance artist. This was my second warning as Allie generally does a better job of coloring than this lady did of painting. Then the food came. It was Chicken and a delightful rice dish. It was followed by a warm cookie and another Vodka Cranberry. Her meal came with her 5th gin and tonic (on this flight). She also had the chicken and offered to give me the rest of her meal. I politely declined as I needed to somewhat focus on losing all the weight I had gained. It was now time for an after dinner beer. So I ordered a Sam Adams and she enjoyed her 6th gin and tonic (on this flight). I was now trying to look out the window a little more as I had gotten to experience most of what first class had to offer or so I thought. Every time I looked out the window and got a couple of seconds of quiet, I would feel a hand on my shoulder. I would hear some slurring and some comment about me wanting to be left alone. I would politely assure her that she wasn’t bothering me (Still slightly holding out for the VP job offer) and an awkward conversation would ensue for a few minutes until the waitress in the sky would interrupt/save me and I could turn and gaze out the window.

At this point, I was starting to wish I could open the window and crawl out. I was trapped, there was nowhere I could go. I ordered a tomato juice no vodka, she ordered her 7th gin and tonic (this flight) she had been on another flight from Miami to Charlotte that morning. I think that plane is light on it’s gin and tonic too. We received a little after dinner mint just before the blessed descent into MSP International airport. I quickly swallowed mine almost whole. It was one of those half solid half crunchy mints that kind of melts in your mouth and tastes a little like chalk. I was just glad she had something in her mouth and couldn’t talk anymore. We get about half way through landing and there is a hand on my thigh. I politely moved it back to her seat, and as I looked over she is offering me something. It’s loud and hard to hear, but I wasn’t hearing her wrong. She was offering me her half eaten mint. I said no thank you, I’m good and turned back toward the window after I had agreed to help her get her bag upon landing (still hoping for a job). Upon landing she pointed to which bag was hers and I reached up and got it down. The lady behind us, in VERY disgusted fashion, says “sir, that’s my bag” I say sorry(pleading to her with my eyes to give me a job) and grab the right bag. Away she goes to the door of the plane. The guy behind me then asks me if she was with me, I say no. He says, “she offered me her half eaten mint” I nervously laughed and said she did the same to me. Every single person within earshot of me then turned one by one and apologized to me for my flight experience. Not one of them felt sorry enough to let me be their Vice President of nothing though.

and that was how I was punked by a 13 year old. well played Michael.

How is it possible that the US women’s soccer team is paid 4 times less than the men’s team, while making more in revenue and actually winning the world cup. I can’t believe this kind of shit still goes on in this country. Men are assholes. It’s criminal and if Donald Trump is viable I don’t see that getting any better. This kind of crap should make people angry and want to protest and burn soccer balls, not protesting criminals who are beating women to near death, being shot by cops. Outside of Hope Solo, none of these women did anything wrong.

I think it’s awesome to watch people circle the Lifetime parking lot looking for a closer parking space. Really? You are going into exercise, I think you can walk a little to get into the club. I really want to be at a dance club in Vegas where Flo Rida and Pit Bull are doing a concert, that would be epic. There was a crazy woman on the bus in Vegas with a poster from the Trump rally that was going on while I was there. She was exactly what I envision a female Trump supporter to be like. She had a cat in her lap on the bus, uncombed hair, mismatching clothes. She almost looked like a gypsy from a movie scene. It was a perfect fit.

Baseball and Soccer season have begun. I get to co-coach Justin’s team and I’m really looking forward to it. Summer is coming. We got to miss a snowstorm!!! It had all melted by the time we got home. I will be back under 200 soon. It’s almost playoff hockey time!! Someone please beat the Blackhawks for us. Brett Franz for President!!

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A socialist, an egomaniac, a criminal, and a guy even his family doesn’t like

Congratulations Merica those are your choices for President at this point. This has to be the strangest thing I have ever seen. 300 million people and this is what we come up with to run for President. It’s sad and tragic. One guy openly says he is a socialist and nobody cares and votes for him. One of them is a criminal that covers up crimes and wants to be president just to be President. Not because she wants to change anything, she just needs to be President to validate her existence, it’s pathetic. One guy who even his family doesn’t like. He needs the same validation as Hillary does. Nobody in Washington likes him, which is a good thing usually, but I think they actually have it right this time. And then there’s the egomaniac. He will get us all killed. He loves nobody more than himself and has absolutely no filter what so ever. He’s dangerous and self centered. I appreciate that usually, but not as President. It’s the lowest point I’ve ever seen our politics.
I do realize that many of you will vote for one of these candidates and I understand that is what will happen. None of us decided who was running, I get that. I don’t believe that anyone could argue that we can’t do better. It is an extremely shallow pool, like the gene pool in the hills of Tennessee.

I’ve lost 40 pounds. I just ate 20 chicken wings. I ran 3 miles, biked 5, and did 2 miles on the elliptical. I used to eat 20 chicken wings and then sit on the couch, so at least there is that. If I don’t allow myself to eat chicken wings once a month I might hurt someone. I miss Surly. beer is absolutely terrible when you are trying to not be a fat ass. I gained 9 pounds after a hockey weekend in Proctor. It was worth it and it was gone in 2 days. Hockey is almost over for the year, I will miss it. Not the losing, but I will miss the rink and my kids scoring goals. Baseball is coming, I’m getting excited for it. Soccer has already started, and I can’t wait to watch my little girl stream down the edge of the pitch with the ball like a labrador in full flight. It makes me happy.

To all of you who say you hate Facebook and it is a waste of time, I say you are wrong. It takes as much time as you give it. I get great pleasure in seeing what people are doing and where they are. I even don’t mind seeing what they are eating or what their kids are doing. It takes a couple of seconds. It’s really not that big of deal and listening to people whine about it always amuses me. I wish people posted more stuff. Some of it makes me laugh, some of it makes me think some people are pathetic and seeking attention, but SO WHAT. Who cares why. For the few minutes at a time I go on Facebook, I want new pictures and new quotes and to see what your cat or dog did. It is entertainment created by people I know and in most cases like. Why wouldn’t I want to see it? It isn’t something to get all worked up about and it does make me feel like I know some people better. It also gives me the opportunity to get to know some people better. I say to the naysayers–calm down, leave if you must, but please stay and post something funny or stupid or inappropriate. It will be gone in 2 hours from my feed, but it will be awesome in the moment. Let it go, move on and quit thinking you are cooler than us that enjoy it.

I get to go to VEGAS in 2 weeks!!! I get both my mommy and daddy on this trip, which is awesome. During today’s snowstorm I am especially excited to get out of here. We are splitting 4 days with 2 downtown and 2 on the strip as they are downtown fans and I am a strip person. It is the evolution of my Vegas obsession and my parents have gotten on board. Well, at least my mom has so that she continues to have a travel partner I think. She doesn’t know that I would go no matter where she wanted to stay. I love being there with her and the memories we have the past 4 years on our trips will be forever some of my favorites. The posts on Facebook you see about how important travel is cannot be more truthful. Jen and I have always been on the same page. We will travel together, alone, with our kids, with our parents, or with friends whenever possible. Money can be replaced and we only live once. This world is an awesome place with amazing beauty and the coolest things to see, so I encourage all to go see it. We are then off to Mexico with the whole family in March. We get to hang out with some awesome friends who have children the same age as ours, so the adults can also act like children. I am hopeful I can get to a weight where I can wear my speedo again, I think I’m the only one who hopes that.

Justin just arrived home wearing rollerblades in a snowstorm and no hat on. I blame his mother. The bus went in the ditch and rocked to the point it almost tipped over. Not sure why school was still in session. They told us the storm was coming at noon for 3 days. They made it clear it was going to snow heavy from noon until 6pm. A half day of school seemed like an easy call, but I guess putting kids in the ditch on the way home is way more fun. People in Lakeville generally have no idea what those of us in Elko have to put up with. The plows all stop at County road 70 and turn around. They care about us last. The 4 miles from here to there is miserable and dangerous. Nobody ever wants to cancel a hockey game or practice, but I’m not sure 10-12 year olds in a ditch is a better idea. Hockey just isn’t that important, and I believe it’s really important. When you live in Lakeville, getting to the hockey arena may suck, but it’s not life threatening. When you are in Elko, it is.

It has been difficult to get cranky about this winter. It has been pretty tame. I haven’t had the ever present risk of death every time I leave the house because the roads suck. It hasn’t been freezing to the point you can’t be outside for 3 minutes without a body part possibly falling off. I think it’s sad to refer to winter as tame at any point. I call to your attention–Everyone living in Cancun, Honolulu, Sydney, San Diego, Sao Paolo, Miami, etc. They never have to put up with this crap, even the fairly tame crap we have had. Saying 30 feels nice is insane. Jen is in Arizona and it was 31 this morning and they had all sorts of warnings to cover shit up, make sure your pipes don’t burst. Hell, they probably cancelled school. We think it’s nice. We are tortured souls. We have winter storm warnings, blizzard warnings and we send our kids in yellow missiles down the road and into ditches. No big deal, we have the mountains and oceans to keep us happy the 5 months a year it isn’t miserable. Oh, we don’t have mountains or oceans you say, then I say, what kept the lazy settlers known as our ancestors from continuing west like they intended. We are the product of lazy and unmotivated immigrants, now I know why Minnesota always votes for Democrats :) You know that someone didn’t race back to the East coast on his horse after winter one year and tell everyone arriving at Ellis Island this—

Horse guy: Everyone follow me, I have found the promised land.
Settler: Tell us all about it Finnegan
Horse guy: you will love it, it’s beautiful. It has lakes and trees and mountains and oceans
settler: sounds amazing Finnegan, lead the way and tell us more.
horse guy: There are fish and deer and buffalo, it’s amazing.
settler: all that in one place, it sounds unbelievable, too good to be true. Are there lots of other settlers?
horse guy: It’s like heaven. There are plots for all of you, lakefront or mountainside still available.
settler: Are there oceanfront plots still available?
horse guy: There are a few on the ocean known as Mille Lacs Sea, but the Indians are getting a little cranky.
settler: Are these Native’s hostile?
horse guy: No, we have tamed most of the savages, but some are protective of the oceans. They think its still theirs.
settler: How’s the weather?
horse guy: In October we will have the most beautiful snowfalls and all the trees are covered in stunning white snow.
Settler: Sounds unreal
horse guy: It is
settler: what is is like in January and February?
horse guy: All the lakes get covered in ice and you can catch fish through a hole
settler: interesting, tell us more
horse guy: free ice
Settler: what else can you tell us?
horse guy: All the birds have left, but the buffalo are herded together and easy to kill
settler: why are they easy to kill
horse guy: they can’t move in all the snow
settler: can we move in the snow?
horse guy: we have snowshoes
settler: what’s it like in May and June
horse guy: amazing. the ice leaves and the birds return–if the snow is gone
settler: if?
horse guy: Sometimes it is, sometimes it’s not– if not–free ice
settler: what is like in July and August?
horse guy: hot. fishing is great until August then it’s too hot
settler: How about September and October?
horse guy: Sometimes the snow is back and other times it feels like August
settler: snow?
horse guy: sometimes, but other times it’s not. remember–snow is beautiful
settler: see ya later Finnegan you drunk Irish fool. that place sounds like torture.

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Hotels have fitness centers, turn it all green!!

Holy shit, hotels have fitness centers–who knew. I always thought Jen was running off to some guys room when she said she was going to work out when we were at a hotel. She always came back in a happier mood so who was I to argue. Turns out she was actually going to the fitness center. I actually used it several times on my exciting trip to Fargo this past weekend. I came back 7 pounds heavier than when I left, so I think this one might have been a broken fitness center. It also might have been the beer and chicken wings, but if I blame them that doesn’t seem right, so I will stick with blaming the fitness center.

It also turns out that you cannot lose weight while starving yourself. Jen tells me this after I stalled for about 2 weeks. My immediate reaction was for her to tell that to a Jew in 1943 Germany, but it does appear to be true. It’s a whole science thing, but I guess you don’t burn fat when you eat only 800 calories a day. So lucky me, I get to eat more. Unlucky me, it still can’t be doughnuts and chocolate. Now I have to try and come up with more things I can eat that are chicken or fish or fruit or vegetables or some other shit that is “whole foods” whatever that means. Whatever it means, I know it ain’t at the drive through or a gas station and it’s expensive and takes time to make. This shit ain’t easy you know. Getting fat was much easier and WAY more fun.

I decided the other day to try a workout video with Jen. She was doing 10 minute abs and I thought–“shit I can do anything for 10 minutes” It’s 3 days later and I’m still feeling my session of 3 minute abs. My back hurts and is making a weird cracking noise every time I take a step and I can’t bend over without wanting to punch someone. I’m also kind of sick of this working for a week to lose 7 pounds only to have it all come back because I have 8 beers. That’s not fair. Christmas and New Year’s is also a really stupid time to be on a weight loss mission. I do allow myself to live so don’t go all crazy on me. I have had unbelievable discipline throughout this 4 months though and I never knew I had it in me, so that has been kind of cool. I just think you shouldn’t gain 7 pounds in a weekend in Fargo when you go the “fitness center” twice a day and have shrimp tacos and salad instead of the fucking Bacon cheeseburger and fries I really wanted. It’s way too harsh of a penalty and makes a guy just want to be a lazy fat ass instead, but that wasn’t working out all that well either I guess.

last fitness bit I swear. I received a fit bit and a fit bit scale for Christmas. Seems like Jen was trying to make a point doesn’t it? The motivation I receive from this thing is exactly what I needed though. It measures my steps, miles, calories burned, floors, and active minutes. Each one has a goal to reach for the day and when I reach the goal for the day, it turns them all green. I get great satisfaction each day when I have turned them all green and can be heard each time saying “all green baby” It is now my favorite time of the day. The thing also measures my heart rate and amount of time asleep. It tells me how many times I’m awake/restless during the night. Which has been far less with my new “my pillow” BEST PILLOW EVER!!!

Best pillow ever that was also a gift on the best Christmas ever. I felt like I was 10 years old. Everything I wanted and more was delivered. There is a nativity scene on my piano that I have to set up and take down every year because it has styrofoam and my wife won’t touch it. I hate that stuff too, but I love her. I JUST BOOKED VEGAS FOR FEBRUARY!!! I’m so excited as I have never been and I’ve heard it’s pretty neat :) Packer fans are sore losers. I made a $10 bet in September at 35-1 on the Vikings to win the Super Bowl. Today, at the start of the playoffs, the Vikings are 30-1 to win the Super Bowl. How unfair is that shit. There were 30 other teams that had a chance back then and now their are only 11 other teams and the odds are almost the same. Gambling seems to be so unfair. My dad is coming with to Vegas this time. I’m really excited to have him there so I have someone to watch my mom as she can get a little crazy in Vegas. Just kidding mom, but I am excited to have him along so him and I can do some stuff together. I hope to get him on the roller coaster at New York New York as my mom has no interest and I know he would love it.

So all of my dreams came true this year as I spent my New Year’s Eve in Fargo. I was in the lovely mountainous city by the Sea for a hockey tournament with Allie. We didn’t fare all that well as we went 1-3 for the weekend, but we had a great time and I think the girls enjoyed themselves. I have really enjoyed being around all of the girls Allie plays with. They are an unbelievable tough group of young ladies that are going to put the hammer down on unsuspecting boys everywhere for the next few years.

I promised the girls I would throw my hat on the ice if any of them got a hat trick and sure enough Greta got one in our last game. I tried to not make a big deal out of it, and I dropped my hat on the ice next to the door and had 1 of the girls quickly retrieve it. It was a show of support for the awesome achievement of one of our girls. I step off the ice and this redneck mom from the other team walks up to me and says “keep your hat on next time” I just looked at her and said “way to keep it classy, now start walking” I spent most of the ride home pissed off about it and I guess I still am. It’s a hockey tradition. I didn’t sling it out in the middle of the ice, I dropped it over the boards for 8 seconds in a show of support for one of my players. LIGHTEN UP FRANCIS. We were playing West Fargo who spent the whole game slashing our girls to tears. They even had 1 future Orange is the New Black character who would turn and cross-check one of our poor girls every time the puck was dropped. She didn’t care what happened on the face-off, she would turn and cross-check her. I finally told her to just skate away from her when the puck was dropped. I watched the next faceoff and the girl chased her for about 6 strides and then gave up, it was hilarious.

Jen and Justin spent their New Year’s at the Edina tournament while Allie and I were in Fargo. I actually stayed and watched his game New Year’s Eve night and then drove to Fargo. I’m glad I did as he scored a hat trick. His team lost a barn burner 11-7 in which they trailed 9-2 at one point. they made it 9-7 but couldn’t finish. The 5 goals against in 2 minutes didn’t help their situation at all. They then got to wake up and be at the rink at 730am New Year’s day (NICE PLANNING EDINA) they also kindly scheduled us for an ass-whooping from the hosts as Edina pasted our boys 12-1. They did go 2-2 for the tournament with wins over Coon Rapids and Chaska, so not all bad. I’m ready for baseball :)

Allie’s team lost to the Canadians, I hate losing to Canadians. The Canadian World Junior team failed miserably–that made me happy. The Russians beat us again, which sucked but at least we finished ahead of the Canadians. The Vikings finished ahead of the Packers, My soccer team is atop the English Premier League on New Years, If they won the title it would mean as much as the Vikings winning a Super Bowl, that is weird to say, Hunting season is over and I never shot a duck, that is weird to say, I love love love watching my kids play hockey, I am a nervous wreck when Justin is pitching–it is why I know what it’s like to be a goalie parent, it doesn’t matter that the 2nd baseman booted 3 routine ground balls as everyone just remembers who was pitching, same as it doesn’t matter that some kid playing defense was asleep and let a kid come in on a breakaway and score on the goaltender- people only remember the goalie didn’t stop it. It is what it is, but it’s stupid. Trump and Hillary are still around, Squirrel.

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Bus People

I mean seriously, you have all outdone yourselves. 90 people and two buses. I have a feeling this could get a little crazy. I’m glad I get to be a little on the sober side to watch it happen, or maybe not. I am so glad my wife talked me into starting this tradition a few years ago. I am a little worried that I’m getting to old to be up that late. The bus is very similar to my wedding night for me. I spend most of my time making sure everyone is accounted for and having fun as everyone is there because we invited them and not all of them know each other and some only know Jen and myself. It does have it’s stressful moments and having to be the navigator makes it a little hard to be over-served, if there is such a thing. Now I have to navigate 2 buses and get 90 people to listen when I say it’s time to clear the bar. The later in the night it gets the harder the clearing of the bar becomes, so that should be interesting with this many people. also, don’t worry too much about me, I do manage to not go thirsty.

As we all get older and this event comes up, it is always interesting to see the expressions on people’s faces when it’s the topic of conversation. I think there might be some people that are somewhat scared to death about it. It goes later than most of us are used to staying up, most people have kids whose lives don’t stop the next day, and others I think wonder what might happen to them on this bus. I can assure you, almost everyone has lived the past 4 years. Some may have thought they were dead, but they were not. It is a blast and with all the returning passengers, I think most would agree. The bars for the most part love us and we are no longer college kids so the peer pressure from my wife is lessening. She only forces shots on the somewhat willing :) We have a special DJ on one of the buses this year and she’s hot–I mean her playlist is hot, whoops. Since there is only one of her and 2 of the bus things, someone else should be putting a playlist together as to not feel left out.

It’s 50 degrees and we are within 2 weeks of Christmas. I am having a really hard time being pissed off about anything. I’m sure I will find a reason soon as there just is no way this holds out for much longer, but each day means one less day of winter. Or it means we will be punished with an awful spring that doesn’t ever come and turns into Summer on July 12th. That will end about September 15th next year as there is no possible way to have two years in a row of humane temperatures. I read there is actually more ice on the polar ice caps than there has ever been in some areas, so I hate to ruin the party for all you global warming crazies. It was a study by an actual scientist and everything. I’m sure the rest of them have killed that guy and stuffed him in a snowbank behind Santa’s house by now. How dare he say anything that stops their buddies from selling windmills and solar panels. They really are no different than Cheney and his cronies, well except their need to make money isn’t killing a bunch of people. So there is that.

Why does black lives matter pick such horrible people to rally behind? The guy that they are harassing the 4th precinct about was beating his girlfriend bloody and then attacked the paramedics when they arrived. It was not his first time doing this. He was a bad dude and the world is better off. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons to call for change at the 4th precinct. Things haven’t always been done above board all across this country and change in policing isn’t a bad thing, but pick your martyrs a little better already. When they pick such awful humans to stop traffic and disrupt lives for, it only works to make those people hate what you are protesting. People that would otherwise support the cause and have sympathy have now lost patience and have grown tired of the whole process. It didn’t have to be that way, but it is. I know the theory behind it is to make people have to pay attention to what they are saying and if the people they were rallying for directly had more sympathetic stories I believe people would rally behind them. It, however, has drawn attention to something that absolutely must change about policing and that is the shooting of unarmed individuals. I know at times there is no choice even when a weapon isn’t involved, but there just has to be a better way to do things. You cannot put a bullet back into the gun and when someone is running from the police and generally causes no immediate danger to others, DON’T SHOOT HIM. It’s pretty simple. Catch him later or chase him and shoot him with a taser, but stop shooting unarmed people that generally don’t pose an immediate threat. It’s a change in policing that needs to happen and I believe this movement has made strides towards causing that change. Chicago is now stopping traffic because a kid carrying a gun running at a police car was shot–bad guy to rally for–just sayin.

Donald Trump is a jackass. Hillary is an asshat.

I wonder what would happen if all the cops quit. squirrels are the real terrorists. I miss food. I used to have ice cream several times a week. I haven’t had any for two months. I have stopped losing weight. I’m not gaining any, but I can’t break through the next barrier yet. I’m still trying and not eating and doing the work but I can’t make any further progress the past couple of weeks. I may need to switch something up. I drank 2 bottles of diet mountain dew every day for the past 20 years, I quit 2 months ago. I didn’t even decide to do it, it just happened. I don’t magically feel better, have better nails,my hair definitely hasn’t grown back, have more energy, and a happier disposition like some people claim happens when they eat better and workout. I still generally feel like shit for about an hour every morning and everything hurts just the same as it always did. I’m not magically the energizer bunny or anything. I like to watch the television so it doesn’t escape just like a used to, I dream about ice cream and cookies same as before, I hate people who workout and eat healthy just like I always did, I like beer like always (I just have to drink more crappy light beer), I’m generally the same grumpy asshole I’ve always been just not as full and fat and wired on caffeine as I used to be.

Hockey is in full swing and it’s going about like I thought it would for my little money sucking darlings on the frozen water. Justin still knows how to score goals and intermittently play defense and Allie still knows how to skate like the wind while sometimes scoring and generally playing overly solid defense. Oh how I wish I could combine their skills into one player and get college paid for, I guess we maybe should have had a third kid. I find myself randomly searching the arena for the Petersons and Rasmussens, as we have been together so long that it still seems weird not to have them around. Both teams lose more than win like I thought but they have been more competitive than expected in some other contests. I have loved coaching Allie and that group of girls are awesome. Justin’s team suffered a heart breaking defeat to the hands on Lakeville North in the championship game in Owatonna this past weekend (Nobody needs to know that they were basically in a 2 team tournament). We hit the stinking crossbar with 2 seconds left. I went out in the lobby while they handed the trophy to North. I’ve seen North get handed enough trophies for one lifetime, I figured I was good. I was happy for a few people on the other side, but still couldn’t stomach watching them celebrate in those stupid not as ugly as ours North jerseys. I know it’s silly and they are only 12, but I can do what I want when I want. If you can’t hate your crosstown rival, then who can you hate anymore? If it’s the High School championship game and my friend’s kids are playing I will cheer for them if I must.

I spend a great deal of time reading people’s trip reports about Las Vegas. I have a screen name and everything on some of the sites. I like reading about what and where they eat, their gambling, shows and anything else they talk about. It’s stupid I know, but it passes the time between trips and gives me a ton of information for when I go back. I know more about that city than most people who live there probably. It also gives me the edge on all the ” I read books all the time” snobs that are out there that think they are cooler than the rest of us because they read books. Big deal you read books, I can get done with a book in two hours when they make it into a movie and you wasted all your time reading it. Who’s stupid now. I read trip reports on Al Gore’s interweb, that’s way cooler than reading a novel anyday. All books that are any good get made into movies anyway, so movies are actually smarter than books. They weed out all the bad books that one might make the mistake of reading. Then they cast pretty people who say words and stuff and condense the stupid book into two hours of screen time. Who wants to read about a car chase when you can watch Keanu Reeves and some hot blonde/brunette/redhead in actual cars fake chasing each other on the silver screen. BOOKS ARE STUPID.

So I was just going to write about how amazed I was that Josh from “Drake & Josh” lost so much weight, when I had to look up which one went from fat to skinny. In doing my “research”, I learned the show I watch every morning with Allie before school is literally 10 or 12 years old and the actor is now 28 and on a show with John Stamos. Who knew. I thought it was a new series not that long ago.

The Vikings are injured so calm down when they lose tomorrow. None of it matters. All you have to do is make the playoffs and they are going to do that. It only takes a decent QB, awesome RB, and an excellent defense to win a super bowl and the Vikings have all of them, so they have a chance. Missing your best D-Lineman, Linebacker, and Safety against Arizona and Seattle is meaningful, so get off the ledge people. They are both playoff teams with good offenses and we are not the team we will be in 4 weeks when the playoffs start, don’t analyze it too much, just believe me.


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High Pie and Pork duck

So about 3 weeks ago I stepped on the scale and decided enough was enough. I know I should have decided this awhile ago, but better nate than lever right?
so, Now I spend most days angry, I can’t eat, I’ve seen my neighborhood in many different ways, and it’s working!! I have lost 22 pounds in 3 weeks. I have no goal in mind and I have no idea how long it will last, but it’s all good so far. Walking and not eating whatever I want is all I have really done–funny you can’t eat cookies and brats and lose weight I guess. Enough about that. not really I guess. Here’s what I have noticed so far.

I spent way too much time in gas stations before. There is nothing good for you to eat in gas stations. I miss beef, I’m sick of chicken already, salad isn’t too bad, people need to take care of their yards better. You really don’t notice it in a car, but when you walk you see just how lazy people really are. My yard sucks, but that’s natures fault not really mine. Constantly thinking about what you eat is draining, not worrying about what you eat is deadly I hear. portion size is critical, but really makes a guy pissed off. my belt doesn’t have enough holes. Fast food sucks, it’s all bread. lettuce wraps are really tasty. it’s much easier to tie my shoes, I no longer get dizzy from cutting off the air to my lungs.

The song “honey I’m good” has always really annoyed me. Seriously dude you can’t control yourself? I will go home with you if I stay and have another drink. Really, you get drunk and forget about your wife? It is catchy, i get it, but the message is horrible.

High pie and pork duck–On our trip out east this summer, we got to spend a ton of time with our kids which was awesome, but somewhat interesting. We were waiting for the tide to be right to walk out to an island that could be reached at low tide by foot and Allie says this “so you can’t go to the island during high pie?” in another conversation about a group meal where everyone brings a separate dish to share Justin says –“so is tonight’s team dinner pork duck?”. Makes you wonder what other things they say and have no idea what the real name is. I just about drove off the road when I heard pork duck. I saw a dude in Verizon this summer with 2 little kids in tow both wearing AP jerseys. Really, you put your little kid in a jersey of a guy who took a switch to his little kid. Some old guy in Maine also called a VW a punch buggy–look left and there is a slug bug–who knew. I kind of like punch buggy better.

Some asshole the other day at Total Wine left his cart in the middle of the parking stall. He was in the stall right next to the cart return. I mean right next to it like 5 feet away. This is why some of us hate people. Seriously dude get out of my world, nobody likes you, you are ugly and even Jesus is finding it hard to forgive you for being a moron. My kids also thought the song “Funky Cold Medina” was chunky old Medina, not sure either makes much sense. and when I say asshole I mean that in the nicest, most friendly way possible

Hockey season is about to begin, which means it’s tryout season as well. I hate this time of year, but was hopeful with the changes being made. The process is frustrating, tiring, unfair, mysterious, political, and generally no fun for anyone. I have no problems where it looks like Justin will end up(hopefully that doesn’t change) but the weekend was not without it’s issues. I look forward to the season starting and making it through the last weekend of tryouts for both kids this weekend. Tuesday was tough to have a teary eyed 12 year old at 630am wondering what he had done wrong. Suck it up buttercup ( I didn’t say that, I just gave him a really long hug and told him we would be fine) The Wild also get to begin their 7 month journey of falling 15 points out of the last playoff spot and then making a mad crazed dash to get into the playoffs to be crushed by the rapist Patrick Kane’s team from Chicago.

I have a $10 bet on the Houston Astros to win the world series that I placed last April. If they win I cash in $610. I am a huge Astros fan.

These are the best of times and worst of times. I love the fall, I hate what comes next. I am angry thinking about it. I want to live where it’s 68 degrees every day. 10 DAYS TO VEGAS!!! I am bringing Jen this time!!!! We are going to have a super cool room because I have been schmoozing the director of guest services at the hotel for a month. I emailed her a sob story about my wife hating Vegas and it took a ton of work to get her to go with me and it’s our anniversary and our dog died and when it did it fell on our cat and killed her too, but only after she had eaten our son’s pet bird, so she kind of had it coming, but my wife loved that cat and she really needs a vacation and will you please do what you can to make her stay awesome. She emailed back and said she would take care of us personally (and she’s a big wig VP of guest services type) and put us on a high floor facing the strip. I can’t wait to be in my favorite place with my favorite person, it’s going to be awesome. A suite and some flowers or chocolates would be nice too lady, I mean our turducken died and ruined our Thankschristmas.

I really can’t believe Donald Trump is still around

I have a $10 bet on the Vikings at 35 to 1 to win the Super bowl. If the Astros and Twins win, I will have an awesome spring trip to Vegas to cash tickets. If not I will have an awesome spring trip to Vegas.

I need a job, I am now accepting offers for employment and career ideas.

The chipmunks in my yard have been disappearing, not sure why. Please actually take the time to monitor you children’s social media accounts. It’s kind of important not only for them but for the rest of us. Also remember they are your children and not your friends, be their parent. Watch the CNN special about 13 year olds and social media, it’s worth the watch. If they are bullying someone—-THAT’S BAD– not something to ignore. It’s not time to laugh with them or encourage them. It’s bad, just saying. Donald frickin Trump. Hilary looks like she’s been in a bar in Wisconsin for the past 10 years. I’m thinking part of the problem is guns. Not sure assault rifles are meant to be in the public’s hands. There is more to it than that, but it is part of the problem. All the cute pry it out of my cold dead hands facebook posts are becoming a little pathetic. Nobody will be coming to your house to take your guns. Obama was born here and even if he wasn’t it’s time to move on. He has HUGE ears. I think that might be where the missing brains ended up and they are on a Q-tip somewhere in Chad or Liberia or wherever he grew up. I know why the chipmunks are disappearing.

I miss Surly, it’s also kind of been a diet casualty. It won’t be for long. It’s too important to my health. Allie might be the best human being I know. She is so sweet, she got that from me. Simon and Garfunkel are easily the best duo of all time, Allie and Justin’s hockey teams could be on the losing end of quite a few hockey contests this winter, what is a winger, I miss chocolate, and ice cream, solar eclipses are cool, hockey’s back!!, can’t wait for baseball season, go ASTROS, do rich people really need tax breaks, I need to be a rich people to find out if I need a tax break, I’m good at making omelets, Dodd is finally open, not sure what they did for 18 months, but it’s open, I don’t believe that Obama grew up in Chad or Liberia, it was in Hawaii, I wish I grew up in Hawaii, I wouldn’t have ever left, I miss Cooperstown, I miss wearing my really cool dew rag that Dave Marrinan wishes he had, I’m getting him one for Christmas, I’ll try not to take so much time between posts. Now that Winter is almost here I will have more to be pissed off about. Having an awesome wife and pretty cool kids is mellowing me out too much. stupid people.

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Walk crazy and Carry a weird looking stick

Those of us who live in Lakeville know exactly who I am talking about in the title of this post, and you probably think you are unique. I have learned that the character we all know is the same as the one I used to know and a variation of another character known to those who live in Elko. None of them is truly unique or different really. They are quirky and a little strange, but not unique. You know like Goth people or punk people or anyone else that tries to be different, yet ends up looking exactly like everyone else who is trying to be different. It has always amused me–hey you, let’s all go be different in exactly the same way.
The unique characters I am talking about reside in Lakeville, Elko, and Red Wing. Essentially the 3 places I have lived in my life. The original unique character was known to us as “The Marathon Man” or Marathon John if I recall correctly. Most people knew who he was when I was a kid. He was the guy that walked around town in the same clothes everyday and picked up garbage. He literally walked all day long, thus the name marathon man. I don’t recall waving being his thing but maybe, which brings me to the next character who resides in Elko. My kids call him the “Shirtless Waving Man” He seems like an alright guy by all accounts as he waves at EVERY single car driving in and out of the neighborhood. He is sometimes on a bike with a bright shirt on(He was hit by a car at one point, so now the bright shirt). He is quite often seen without a shirt on, which seems to be a theme for these characters. We all know who he is and it somehow makes it feel like home when you turn the corner and someone is waving at you.
The third and my favorite is “The shirtless Stick guy” as my kids refer to him. He is always on the same path alongside the same road in Lakeville. He is always carrying a stick, most of the time he doesn’t have a shirt on, and now looks incredibly similar to Tom Hanks in Castaway. He is a touch more quirky than the other two, but not really much different. His movements are a bit more erratic and a little more crazed, but he’s waving and seems to be genuine in his waving. When he dies I think the city should name the path after him. I believe Ronald Reagan and budget cuts are to blame for all of them.

I observed one of these characters outside of his native habitat not that long ago. He was in a bar we were in. My wife and the other 2 ladies I was with were out on the dance floor dancing it up. I was watching and making sure to keep my beer company and made this observation about his pick up move. The girls were the only ones on the dance floor and his move was this–walk out on the dance floor about every 4 minutes, stare in a very creepy fashion and at a very close range for about 1 minute, and then walk back to the bar. I began to wonder if this works for him from time to time and I came to the conclusion that is must work sometimes. The girls were blissfully unaware btw. I also thought if I tried it, it would most likely end in my arrest, but he kept at it for about an hour. I was impressed with his persistence, however not very impressed with his originality. I mean ladies like words and stuff, even when they have been drinking. Staring is not polite either, especially without sunglasses or a shrub/tree in front of you :)

Jen says I have what’s known as a go to shirt. She also says it like it’s a bad thing. Doesn’t every guy have a go to shirt? I don’t need to label it with a derogatory name like “go to” To me it is simply my favorite shirt right. I usually change up my favorite shirt about once a year and I have one that is a T-shirt and one that is a sweatshirt. Right now it is my Bemidji Brewing shirt and the hard part about this one is that I have two that look almost identical, but they are not. So it looks like I wear it about every 3 days, but it’s not the same shirt so get off my back already. She also lovingly calls it my uniform, ha ha funny shit.

The Bachelorette sank to new lows this year by introducing two new actors/cast members that were gay guys pretending to be interested in the poor girl who was only looking for true love or to get laid. Turns out it was to get laid. I mean really, the guys were more interested in each other than the bachelorette, I knew gay guys were smarter than straight ones and this proved it. This girl was really no catch from the little I watched. To say she was the worst contestant yet is an understatement and there have been a ton of bad actors/contestants on that show. I am sure some boys mom will be so proud when her son brings home that tramp.

I make notes in my phone when I see funny things happen so that I can write about them here. I end up looking at the notes about a month later and cannot remember anything about the note I wrote down or why it was funny. It’s really frustrating because it’s usually a pretty good event if I take the time to write it down, but for the life of me I cannot remember what the hell was so funny. What does “for the life of me” mean? One that’s in there right now is Dental Hygenist. I don’t know why it’s there, but I think it might be something about the bachelor show but I don’t know what I thought was funny. Was there a Dental Hygenist on the Bachelorette? I think I remember him being a stalker type or something but I don’t know. there is another one about a tab on a credit card form that I bet was hilarious, but I don’t have a clue.

When I was in Elementary School I remember that the teachers and 6th graders played a year end softball game every year. I spent the first 5 years of my schooling only thinking about playing in that game. I don’t mean to brag, but I was one of the best players in my Elementary school at softball and I was a shoe in to play. It was an all-star team picked by the students in 6th grade by a vote. 2 days before the vote, I decided it was a good idea to break up with my girlfriend (the most popular girl in the class apparently). 2 blogs ago I talked about me telling Justin about the cruel nature of 12 year old girls, well this was my first hand knowledge. I received a few votes from my friends and NOT ONE from any of the girls in the entire 6th grade. Half the boys didn’t vote for me. I didn’t get to play. Clearly they were jealous of my mad skills, when they should have been grateful for me releasing one of the hotties back into the pool. Boys never really do think clearly at 11 or 21 or 31…… I was crushed and still to this day think back on it as one of the most disappointing days of my childhood. I know suck it up, nobody left me home alone for 2 days or fed me out of a dumpster or housed me in a box. I get it was a minor setback, but still a setback.

A quick shout out to my good friend Keith—I am so very happy that you only had a minor scare and are fixed up. We still have a lot to do together. I know you won’t read this, but your wife will and she will tell you about it. I need a beer drinking partner, hockey strategist:), and arena companion for much longer and I am so happy we still get to do that together. Also to you Mitchell–yes I was writing this when you signed out–well some of it–I do get busy sometimes.

Quick child sporting update–Allie’s soccer team completed an undefeated regular season and will forever be known as the invincibles. They dropped their only game of the year the last tournament of the year up in Blaine in a close battle. Very impressive season for the girls. Justin’s baseball season had it’s ups and downs, but ended on one big up with one more huge up to come. The regular season followed the script of the past 2 seasons. A bunch of talented kids not living up to their ability and losing more than winning. We finished with an incredible run through the state tournament going 5-1-1 and taking 3rd place in a 40 team state tournament. This group so deserved that kind of weekend as they are talented enough to win titles, so let’s hope this propels them forward with the confidence to do so. Justin pitched and hit well all weekend and his dad could not have been more proud of his play and effort along with all of his teammates. Watching these boys come together as a team throughout the weekend was more enjoyable than finishing 3rd. That weekend will send these kids to Cooperstown in a week with a bond that can only be created through tournament success. We leave for Cooperstown in 1 week and I would like to thank all of you reading this that had some part in making that happen through your donations. Justin at your door selling pizzas or babes or BW3, or Justin selling pizza again, it was greatly appreciated. We will be posting an occasional picture I’m sure.

If I see Bill Cosby I’ll beat his medal out of him for everyone. Allie saw the story of the guy in Mexico who escaped from Prison for a 2nd time. The first he was out for 12 years. Her response—“Why didn’t they kill him when they caught him the first time?” That is the 2nd time in a month she has wished an escape convict dead. My sweet little Allie so ruthless. She then baked a cake and left a note telling me she loved me and that she saved me a piece so when I got home from work it was waiting for me. She really is sweet, but don’t escape from prison I guess. Donald Trump is hilarious and I hope he wins because they are all idiots and at least he’s an entertaining idiot. The confederate flag is not a symbol of the past. Well yes it is I guess, but it’s a symbol of a past where people fought to enslave other people and treat them like property. It is a symbol of hate and racism not of a glorious southern past. There really is no argument here to be had. Yes removing Dukes of Hazard from T.V. is stupid, but focusing on that is just as stupid. There are no longer people laying in the middle of the road, so that’s nice.

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Happy Birthday to me

It’s my birthday and I am currently sitting at work doing as little as possible and writing this blog thingy. Facebook can make you feel like you actually have friends, when a message pops up saying 67 people have wished you happy birthday. I know I really don’t, but it can temporarily make you feel better about yourself I guess. My son failed to say Happy Birthday to me today. He did however proceed to hang up on me after telling me I was the meanest dad ever, so I got that going for me. It’s good to be loved on your birthday and be at work on your birthday–that’s cool too.

This message is for those of you that think it’s cool to drive with your dog, cat, ferret, parakeet, hampster, etc. on your lap, I swear to god if you kill me I will find you in the afterlife and kill you a 2nd time. Dogs are not lap companions when you are driving. They do stupid shit like bark at squirrels and shadows and other random dumb ass things. A brainless hazard like that should not be in your lap while you are talking on your cell phone driving a car. We know you love your dog and that’s cute(not really–it’s somewhat pathetic) just leave it at home or in the backseat or in a kennel in the backseat.

This leads me to my next problem on the road. Spring is almost here so the crazy health nuts known as bikers will be back out on the road. I’m talking the pedal bikes people, not the real bikes with motors kind. You know the pedal kind that all 4-12 year olds ride everyday. I am sick and tired of these fools riding on roads meant for cars. Every liberal politician in the world has petitioned for government money to be spent on bike paths to nowhere every 2 miles in this state and these knuckleheads need to ride on the side of busy roads. Not only that, they ride right next to the white line. Not 5 feet over on the shoulder, but right up against the white line. They all have crappy attitudes. They actually think they have some right to the road. CARS HAVE A RIGHT TO THE ROAD. You and your transportation for 5 year olds has a right to the BIKE path, not the highway. It is not your right, it is not constitutionally protected, and it’s pathetic that people will have to clean you off the shoulder when some poor unsuspecting motorist runs into you because you are on the road meant for CARS.

That makes me think of something else too. We spend a lot of money on things I think are stupid, yet it takes years and years for a stadium to get built for any sports team. I don’t care if there are bike paths, yet I get no say when public money is used for them. There is useless money for Arts, oil executives, auto executives, schools, social programs, and so so many more. I don’t get a say in any of them, but everyone gets a say in my issue of importance. Government sucks, football rocks, nobody gets to improve their lives, football rocks, corruption is rampant, just build my stadiums when it’s time and off your high horse already. It’s Saturday night and we’re in the spot–Don’t beleive me

why do they sell watches anymore? Why does fleet farm stick a cart in every one of their aisles blocking all exits from the store. It drives me bananas. You are forced to squeeze past the person checking out. What are they stopping us from. What is the point of blocking all the exits? Isn’t it a fire hazard? I’m ready to boycott the store soon if they don’t stop it. I have a harder time than some squeezing just so you know. I wouldn’t be nearly as whiny a little bitch if winter ended on March 10th every year. I would still be one just not as big a one.

I wonder if they sell much hand lotion near the ocean. There were several times in the weeks before we left for Florida that I wanted to fill the bathtub with lotion and dive in. I couldn’t stop itching and I mean full body itches. I spent way too much time standing next to the wall corner and running my back across it. My wife has ADHD and when I ask her to scratch my back it lasts for maybe 10 seconds, so it’s just easier to find other ways. We landed in Florida and immediately it all went away. Moisture in the air what a concept. 70% of the world is covered by water, the other 30% is covered by Fred Smoot.

So my twice a year torture known as the Bachelor started and ended since my last blog. It means I cannot enter the bedroom until after 1130 on Monday night or risk having to listen to this pathetic nonsense. It is easily the worst/most pathetic thing on television. The show is the same thing over and over again. There is one crazy one who he just won’t get rid of, there’s one that says she loves him on the third day, one needs to go home to the child she never should have left to pursue her selfish little fantasy, one is a virgin if you believe in that sort of thing, and then there is one evil one there just to further her acting/photograpy career. Same scenario EVERY SINGLE SEASON, yet they gobble it up twice a year for almost 15 years with 1 single solitary success story to show for it. The epic line from this one came right away. These lucky 12 starlets got to go to one of the most exciting places in the world—THE BLACK HILLS– yep not Paris, or Rome or Sydney— they all got to travel to the Black hills of South Dakota–No shit. Then this bachelor farmer from Iowa proceeds to let this one go–“The black hills is the perfect place to fall in love” No you hick it’s not. It’s the perfect place to have a breakfast at Perkins with your 4 kids before you saunter off to see the faces of dead presidents, or some stupid amusement park that is overpriced, but it absolutely is not “the perfect place to fall in love”. You want to fall in love–go to Bali, or Paris or some vineyard in Italy–NOT SOUTH DAKOTA. Don’t get me wrong I loved the Black hills and the dead presidents and amusement parks and hell even the Perkins, I just don’t endorse it as a romantic getaway.

Baseball and Soccer have begun, spring is near, it’s my birthday and in honor of Rob Schroedl, whom I miss, I turned Chuck Foreman today. I get to hang out with the Petersons, Schaefers and Otrembas this weekend, that makes for a good weekend. 3 of my favorite couples on 3 consecutive nights/days. Life is good sometimes and it’s even better with a Surly–I should write ads I think. Anyone who has any job suggestions and can fill my large checklist of things that “just don’t work for me/Jen” let me know. Seriously I need work, but I don’t know what I want to be now that I’m grown up. I want to work from home mostly, I want the ability to not work on a lot of days, I want the ability to take extended vacations when my wife wants me to, I need to be able to be home when my kids are off school, or sick or something. I promise I’ll work hard when I’m there and I really am full of good ideas, I just have a lot of interests. I’M GOING TO VEGAS IN A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST WATCH!!!

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How long would your kids survive?

After years of observing my first born and his behavior, I decided the other day that he would live for about a week if left on his own. They would find him dead on the basement floor in front of the TV clutching a video game controller. He would forget to eat or drink anything and that would ultimately be his demise, but the torture heaped on those around him would be unbearable. He spent 3 days at a friend’s cabin, and in that time he wore the same clothes he had on when sent there, the whole time. His suitcase that his mother took the time to pack for him was untouched. He does claim he brushed his teeth, I don’t believe him. Yes- Same underwear, same socks. He hasn’t thrown away a piece of garbage on his own yet, he rarely showers unless ordered too, he eats only when reminded, he drinks about as regularly as a camel, He has attempted clothes washing under his mother’s supervision(It taught him zero). He would shrivel up and die I’m convinced. The only thing that might save him would be if someone from the school noticed how bad he stunk and did a welfare check at home. He is going to need a girlfriend the day he arrives at college to help him focus on looking and smelling like a human.

Allie would live much longer. She would last about 2 hours alone and she would run next door to the Butts’ house where Gretchen would welcome her in and they would live happily ever after doing all the girl things Gretchen has not been able to do with her boys.

My poor boy learned a valuable lesson the other day. Girls are evil, was the lesson he learned. It’s one lesson, I told him, he will continually be taught, in new and creative ways for the rest of his life, but for reasons he doesn’t quite understand, the pain and suffering is all worth it. He has informed us of a girl he’s had his eye on the past few weeks at school. He says she has been talking to him and he thinks he has a shot. He came home yesterday and said her friend asked him today if he was going to ask her out. He mumbled a few things back while looking at his shoelaces was about the only answer I could get out of him. His mother and I encouraged him, saying if her friend is saying that, she probably likes you. “You should go for it”. Well the little glutton went for it today and got flat out rejected. What twisted 12 year old girl sends the posse out on a boy fact finding mission and then pounces on the unsuspecting boy when he does what was asked of him by the scout. It’s a tough lesson, but one every 12 year old boy must endure at least a dozen more times. I didn’t tell him that part. In today’s world they probably filmed it all

The other day I shut the same light off in the bedroom closet 4 times in less than a half hour
Why don’t children flush toilets?
Why is a tie in tic tack toe called cat?

When I was a kid, my father, in an attempt to entice his boys into eating the crust on their toast, would tell us it puts hair on your chest. I wonder several things about this. Firstly, does he know what to eat to put hair on top of my head? Answer–no he is bald. Secondly, what am I eating that puts hair in my ears and nose? It must be something I didn’t eat when I was in my teens or twenties. I’m thinking that toast crust must take on even more powers in your late 30’s. It starts putting hair not only on your chest, but in your ears, nose, and back. I think the crust must take it from the top of your head.

The other day I watched two guys grab a 12 pack of bud light from the cooler in a gas station. The first thought I had was, how bad is your life that you are buying bud light from a gas station across the street from a liquor store? You people in Wisconsin keep quiet–we all know your gas station beer is real and if you had it your way it would just come out of the gas nozzle. Minnesota gas station and grocery store beer isn’t real beer, yet I guess some people actually buy it there. Even though there is a liquor store across the street, as in this case.

We got an email the other night that a couple of girls in a group of people that Allie has been in contact with have found lice in their hair.
For the next 24 hours every part of my body itched from head to toe. Jen made it better by stating the obvious about a lack of hair for them to nest in, but I was convinced they would find their way into my ear hair or nose hair or even what little bit is on top still. I had the same reaction when anyone near me finds a tick on them. I am convinced for the next 24 hours that I have ticks or lice or whatever.

I decided I need to lose weight. I know it seems obvious. I started looking at options of ways to go about it. I have yet to find a magazine article titled “The best craft beer diets”. They all say you can’t eat good stuff or drink beer. What the hell am I supposed to eat or drink? They shouldn’t be called diets, they should be called cruel and unusual punishments. I am still grappling with how to go about this and what I can do about the beer dilemma.

Please tell me if there is anything stranger than killing in the name of whomever is your god, seems kind of ungodly, If Mitt Romney runs again I will campaign against him, not for anyone else, just against him. I don’t understand ice fishing, it’s been too many weeks since I had a beer on Friday night in someone’s garage, I miss you Andy, Rob, and Tom. I would say Kyle too, but he doesn’t have the facebook so he wouldn’t know I said it. The Wild are ruining my chance to grow a playoff beard even before the playoffs start, Chris Christie kind of looks like a bobber, This winter hasn’t been as bad as the last two, but I still hate this place.

The hockey update. My little peanut is having a wonderful time with her team. They had a successful run through the Fargo tournament, going 3-1 and only losing to the dirty little cheaters from Edina. Allie scored a couple of goals opening night and then shut er down for the weekend. Always keep em wanting more, that’s her motto. She is coming along nicely and has learned a ton this year already. They are currently the 4th ranked U10A team in the state–Yes someone actually ranks 10 year old girls hockey teams. They knocked off #1 two weeks ago in a rip roaring good game. On the road no less–kids could care less where games are played, and in youth hockey where you play is a NON-FACTOR.

Justin’s team has been on a great run the past 3 weeks. Strangely, It coincides with his dad appearing in practice and on the bench more often. Coincidence–I think not:) I needed the boys to win a few when I was on the bench filling in, as they had lost the first 3 times I helped out. I was beginning to think I was jinxing them. They have beat two top #20 teams and tied #8 in the past 2 weeks, as well as having a 3-1 weekend in Detroit Lakes bringing home a well earned 2nd place trophy. Their only loss coming to a Canadian team(painful to admit) that basically had 1 player on it. He scored 24 goals in the 4 games and we held him to 4 in our 6-5 loss. We went down 5-2 at one point and I was afraid the boys might pack it in, but our brilliant leader called time out and gave a speech that Herb Brooks would have been proud of and our boys rallied with 3 goals in 3 minutes and it was game on. Justin had a blast with his team and even finally matched his jersey number with a hat trick in a 3-2 win over Bemidji in the semi-finals. The parents had a good time as well in Detroit Lakes and our Manager Janice did an exceptional job of making sure the meeting room was always stocked.

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A guy from India fixed my blog!!

He did it mostly by email and a little over the phone, but a guy from India fixed my blog. He then “pretended” to have phone issues and dropped my call. Funny, I had more questions and really this guy who knows more about phones and computers than even Algore magically drops a call just when the questions were getting tough. I doubt it. either way, my highly intellectual and extremely humorous well read blog is back on the air for all of my 27 loyal followers to excitedly click onto with the anticipation of a 5 year old on Christmas morning.

You would think I would have all these witty and interesting things saved up after a 4 month absence, but I really got nothing. I did wonder the other day if I was the only one in the world who “took vitamins” by occasionally grabbing one of the kids chewable gummy vitamins when they weren’t looking. I took it so far as to actually buy gummy adult vitamins as I rather enjoy the whole gummy experience. I have experienced several bad drivers lately as usual. The other day I honked at someone doing something stupid and when I pulled up along side the guy and looked over, I decided quickly it wasn’t a good idea to be honking at just anyone. Dude looked straight out of Sons of Anarchy. I about shit my pants thinking he was going to follow me until I ran out of gas and pull off my toes and fingers one by one. I decided after that, I should make sure the drivers I honked at were women under 5 feet and old people over 75, just to be safe I will make it 80. I do only have 1 arm to work with here.

Man, the frustration I had of writing out this blog like 4 times and having it not save was awful. I had some really funny stuff in there too. As I write that line I realized that I am not certain that my friend from India really fixed anything so everything I am now typing may magically disappear in the same awful fashion as my last 4 masterpieces did.

Jen is going to Ireland and Florida in the next 4 months, I wonder if that means I get to go somewhere– where I will go? Squirrel

“Take Me To Church” is my current favorite song. The irony of that is not lost on me. Anyone who knows me understands that I only go when forced on Holidays and when I can drop the kids off for a free hour and a half of church sponsored day care. You know the kind that Hosanna offers with 1,500 Witnesses–I mean other church going children of god:)
My wife will be all worried that I will make some people upset with the last comment. I will now add a disclaimer–Jennifer has nothing to do with the above statement and does not condone my nonsense around this subject. I love her and hundreds of church going people everywhere, just as the man upstairs says to do. I am just not always a fan of those buildings you see all over the place, not the ideas sometimes talked about in them. No kittens were hurt in the writing of that last sentence, but they will be hurt if they keep coming in my garage.

Job Description of a Ice Hockey Center: Score goals with incredible efficiency, stand in front of the net to bang home tough scrappy goals and clog up the view of the goaltender, set up flying wingers for easy goals, effectively devise amazing cellys ,be cold blooded on the breakaway, have the vision/quickness of a Cougar able to pounce at a moments notice and……. play strong defense in front of your own net in support of your defensemen (otherwise know as the guys who just stand around on the blue line while you score amazing goals that make all the old people clap and scream loudly)

Man the Wild are frustrating–almost as frustrating as the Lakeville South PeeWee B1 team is. So much talent and skill and passion, yet no consistency. Beat a great team one night, lose to a winless crappy team the next. Justin is continuing to light the lamp on a fairly regular fashion. Just like the old man that one, speed just above a sloth, but pure genius in front of the net. A little lazy on defense sometimes, but that’s not really in the job description if you only read the first line or two of the job description.

Man I love watching kids play hockey. Allie scored twice the other night, thanks to being put with all the top talent on the team(Who made it their mission to get Allie a goal) She finished though–twice. She’s got it in her, she just needs to learn how to play hockey at a much faster pace. She has great coaches and I can’t wait to see the progress by the end of the year. The coaching our kids are both receiving this year is awesome and we couldn’t be happier.

I have regularly received videos from Justin’s coach at 1am. These aren’t your ordinary videos either, they are done on an app that allows for slow motion and drawing on the screen, and the coach talking about where my kid was “supposed” to be. I tell his coach all the time that you cannot saddle a genius to a game plan, and that the true superstars have to be left free to improvise on even the best game plans. In other words–Hey coach I don’t know where the little shit will end up, but I know it most likely won’t be anywhere near where he is supposed to be, let’s all just hope he gets lucky and scores from out of position. It works at about a 58.6% clip so far.

Are there still people laying in the highway or did they go away when the cameras did? Why is beef jerky so expensive? little pictures have big ears, how will exxon mobile ever survive with only 80 billion a year in profits now that a barrel of oil is so low, who gives a shit, squirrel, is Christmas over yet, 12 bars of Christmas bus tomorrow, everyone in the world is sick, my kids eat a lot of Peanut butter, I need a long vacation with my wife, anyone want to watch my kids for a week–you MUST love hockey, we no longer require a background check–just please take them:) Blue green water is high on my list of needs, next to beer, pizza, water, air, sleep– It is always cloudy around here, it’s depressing and cruel, no arctic plunges so we got that going for us, I am most excited that there is NO SNOWPILE in front of my house, I hate the snowpile with a passion, I am bored and depressed when I have to go more than a day without one of my kids playing hockey, Jen is right–i’m in trouble when they quit playing, I won’t have a need to stalk Bismark’s youth hockey page to see how good their Peewee team is,(as if I know that a loss to Minot means we should be able to beat them anyway) It’s really hard to find out information on Canadian youth hockey teams, What the hell is an Atom, you people need to learn English, Merry Christmas, if you have any ideas of what to get my wife for Christmas please send them my way, I give her a list and she gives me nothing, not fair, maybe I should get her everything on her list, whaddaya think of those apples

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